Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Philandering Woods invited to become an honorary Christian

Tiger Woods ponders Brit Hume's suggestion he convert while golfing on Tuesday.

NEW YORK - In a bold move to preserve Christianity as the favorite religion of high-profile adulterers, Fox News' own Brit Hume has invited golf great Tiger Woods to ditch Buddhism and join a religion where he'll feel more at home.

"Let's face it," Hume said off-camera following his on-air claim that Christianity was the only true path back to Woods' lost commercial endorsement. "Buddhists just don't get that much tail outside of marriage. Or if they do they lack the kind of bravery Christian cheaters exhibit by daring to get caught. Buddhists climb mountains for enlightenment. What kind of nonsense is that? The only 'hiking' a married Christian should do is hiking up the skirt of his mistress!"

"Tiger is our kind of guy," Hume said. "I mean, how many skanks did he hit behind his wife's back - Ten? Fifteen? Newt Gingrich is ready to build a monument to this fella! Talk about your Christian role models!"

Hume said other prominent cheating Christians like Mark Sanford, John Edwards and Jimmy Swaggart urged him to publicly reach out to Tiger Woods because they felt compassion for his plight.

"He has nothing to fall back on," said Hume, wiping a tear from the droopy skin fold beneath his eye.

"It's not like he can go into a Chinese restaurant and ask forgiveness of that statue on the counter - you know, the one with the belly you rub for luck before you leave. I mean, that pretty much sums up the Buddhist belief system right there, right? Right?"

The tearful public confession, Hume said, isn't as effective in other religions. Only Christian cheaters, he said, understand suffering - whether it's hanging on the cross with a crown of thorns shoved down on your head, or the more painful suffering of hearing the voice mails to your mistress played back on CNN.

"The public hears a Christian cheater confess and instantly they say, 'There's a man who is sorry he got caught.' Only then can the healing begin," said Hume.

"He needs the fellowship of Christians," Hume said of Woods. "He needs the brotherhood of men whose dream was ended by some loose-lipped whore who didn't have enough sense to block her ID before she called his cell."

Hume said he is surprised that Woods hasn't already converted on his own.

"If having a pissed Swedish woman coming at you with a golf club isn't a come-to-Jesus-moment then I don't know what is," he said.

Hume said having Tiger Woods as an Honorary Christian would not only help the golfer, but would help the image of Christianity as well.

"We've been concerned since the Muslims got a boost from that Kenyan Barak Obama," he said. "Having a high profile black guy come to our side is just what we need. So we pretty much see this whole scandal as a gift from God."

Hume concluded his comments by saying Fox News was only doing what it does best. Being fair and balanced.

16 comments:

JohnR said...

Since your blog has devolved into Sarah Palin and Christian nuttiness, how about a new name?

Or write something interesting again.

I miss classics like, "Mrs. Hensley Gets Laid" and "This is Porn."

What happened to the spider pictures, or the horseback riding pictures, or even your husband's friend you don't like?

Em said...

Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.

Morgan said...

John, how unfair. You know classics like "Mrs. Henly Gets Laid" and "This is Porn" are archived for my readers to access any time, as are the Octavia Files. And I did recently write some personal stuff about my son's back surgery. The blog post resulted in a personal phone call from Rep. Mike McIntyre. How sweet is that?

I don't write about Paul anymore because he stopped coming over. I think he got the message.

Don't be disheartened, though, John. Kidding season looms and my critiques of Sarah Palin and your other right wing friends will be interrupted by videos and pictures of cute goats.

Stay strong, my friend. Stay strong.

Morgan said...

Thanks, Em!

Christopher said...

This is very funny, but misses one important point: it wouldn't be enough for Tiger Woods to convert to Christianity, at least in the eyes of Brit Hume and his ilk. Woods must convert to the right kind of Christianity: he must be openly critical of all other religions (and some other forms of Christianity), he must believe poor people are morally inferior, and he must insist on the need to bomb countries where Christians are a minority.

If Woods became, say, a Quaker, he still wouldn't be a Christian as far as Hume is concerned.

JohnR said...

Thanks Morgan, but you still haven't figured out I'm not right-wing despite my having said so numerous times.

Morgan said...

This is true, Christopher. If Tiger were to become a Quaker or an Episcopalian in Hume's eyes that would be the equivalent of parading around with a black cat in one hand and an upside-down cross in the other.

It's the Bible-beating, witch-huntin', gay-hatin' Sarah-worshippin', tea-bagging Dominionist brand of Christianity that the right wing (John R excluded) is advocating today.

Only on that path can Tiger find redemption. Or, if not that, at least a spot on Dancing with the Stars.

Morgan said...

John R, I know you're a libertarian. I just like to yank your chain.

JohnR said...

Consider it yanked.

midnightcajun said...

Thanks for the laugh. What is it with these people and hypocrisy?

Anonymous said...

nice post. thanks.

thimscool said...

It's posts like this that make me think of you as more than just a sister!

You aren't Swedish are you?

thimscool said...

I'm selling the company and starting a new one!

Viva Polaris!

thimscool said...

Screech!

Morgan said...

I'm not Swedish, but I do believe if Larry were as indiscreet as Tiger Woods I'd take out more than the back window of his Escalade.

possum said...

As a Buddhist, I have to admit to laughing out loud at this post which I then sent to many of my friends...
Thanks...
Sorry to laugh at the expense of another - but that seems to be what most humor is about these days, isn't it? Hmmm, I need to meditate on that one...