Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Philandering Woods invited to become an honorary Christian

Tiger Woods ponders Brit Hume's suggestion he convert while golfing on Tuesday.

NEW YORK - In a bold move to preserve Christianity as the favorite religion of high-profile adulterers, Fox News' own Brit Hume has invited golf great Tiger Woods to ditch Buddhism and join a religion where he'll feel more at home.

"Let's face it," Hume said off-camera following his on-air claim that Christianity was the only true path back to Woods' lost commercial endorsement. "Buddhists just don't get that much tail outside of marriage. Or if they do they lack the kind of bravery Christian cheaters exhibit by daring to get caught. Buddhists climb mountains for enlightenment. What kind of nonsense is that? The only 'hiking' a married Christian should do is hiking up the skirt of his mistress!"

"Tiger is our kind of guy," Hume said. "I mean, how many skanks did he hit behind his wife's back - Ten? Fifteen? Newt Gingrich is ready to build a monument to this fella! Talk about your Christian role models!"

Hume said other prominent cheating Christians like Mark Sanford, John Edwards and Jimmy Swaggart urged him to publicly reach out to Tiger Woods because they felt compassion for his plight.

"He has nothing to fall back on," said Hume, wiping a tear from the droopy skin fold beneath his eye.

"It's not like he can go into a Chinese restaurant and ask forgiveness of that statue on the counter - you know, the one with the belly you rub for luck before you leave. I mean, that pretty much sums up the Buddhist belief system right there, right? Right?"

The tearful public confession, Hume said, isn't as effective in other religions. Only Christian cheaters, he said, understand suffering - whether it's hanging on the cross with a crown of thorns shoved down on your head, or the more painful suffering of hearing the voice mails to your mistress played back on CNN.

"The public hears a Christian cheater confess and instantly they say, 'There's a man who is sorry he got caught.' Only then can the healing begin," said Hume.

"He needs the fellowship of Christians," Hume said of Woods. "He needs the brotherhood of men whose dream was ended by some loose-lipped whore who didn't have enough sense to block her ID before she called his cell."

Hume said he is surprised that Woods hasn't already converted on his own.

"If having a pissed Swedish woman coming at you with a golf club isn't a come-to-Jesus-moment then I don't know what is," he said.

Hume said having Tiger Woods as an Honorary Christian would not only help the golfer, but would help the image of Christianity as well.

"We've been concerned since the Muslims got a boost from that Kenyan Barak Obama," he said. "Having a high profile black guy come to our side is just what we need. So we pretty much see this whole scandal as a gift from God."

Hume concluded his comments by saying Fox News was only doing what it does best. Being fair and balanced.