Sunday, October 04, 2009

Sarah Palin, author


Seriously people, cut Sarah Palin a break already. All week long I've been reading blogs from people taking potshots at her upcoming book, Going Rogue.

So what if it's full of lies and misspellings and reads like a third-grader's Mad Lib? So what if her ghostwriter is as bat-shit crazy as she is? Those in the literary know understand that Going Rogue isn't even the book that's going to make the big splash for Sarah anyway. She only wrote it because people expected her to write something politicalish. Duh...

No, it's the book she started working on before she wrote Going Rogue - the one that is going to come out on Mother's Day - that's going to finally reveal Sarah Palin as a true expert in something.

Because while Sarah Palin may not know where Russia is or which countries are in NAFTA (who does, right?) she sure as hell knows how to poorly fake a pregnancy. And after reading Your Poorly-Faked Pregnancy, Week-By-Week so will you.

With such informative chapters as "Pillows vs. Empathy Bellies," "Dragging Your kids Into Your Charade," "Paying Off People Who Know With Proceeds From Your First Book," and "Delusional Thinking Is Your Friend," you, too can convince almost anyone (except a few pesky bloggers) that you were actually pregnant.

Bonus chapters in the special "Trig Edition" include where to get a baby at the end of your faked pregnancy. Be sure to read "These Damn Kids Never Listen" and "Fundamentalist Friendly Adoption Scams" for more information.

And be sure to pick up the Christian Edition of Your Poorly-Faked Pregnancy, Week-by-Week with the extra bonus chapter, "Immaculate Conception: Producing a Baby Even Though Todd Hasn't Touched You In Two Years."

So laugh all you want, Sarah haters. You're just mad because you didn't think of it first.



50 comments:

TruthPatrol said...

Good summary Morgan!

B said...

I wasn't laughing before, but now I am. Thanks!

A possible subtitle, one I think was suggested at Bree's:

What to Expect When You're Not Expecting

Andrea said...

ha, "mad libs"

that was great :)

Morgan said...

I had fun doing that cover. I really shouldn't be left alone with Photoshop. :-)
Glad you guys liked it.

B, "What to Expect When You're Not Expecting" is a *great* title. Bree is way clever.

Christopher said...

I knew she'd have to do something really spectacular to top Going Rogue, which has the shortest and yet most comprehensive bibliography ever written. Under "Sources cited" it says, "All of them."

Morgan said...

ROFL, Christopher. You just made my day. Too funny...

Anonymous said...

I never noticed this before, but the way she has her hands crossed seems like she's calling attention deliberately to her belly.

No one does that with their hands over a huge belly- looks like it hurts.

I've seen women rub their bellies, but never seen them stand in an interview with their hands crossed over their belly.

Weird she is.

Andrea said...

Yeah, she's the most literate person on the planet. She's just the best actress evar.

Btw, I like the new "reactions" feature underneath the posts. Are there any more options besides funny, interesting, and cool?

Morgan said...

I don't know if you can customize them or not. I really want to add "irreverent," "blasphemous," and "snarky."

Morgan said...

Anon, I think the whole purpose of that picture was to highlight the "pregnant" belly. Maybe her hands were covering the "made in China" imprint on the front of the empathy belly.

Morgan said...

Anon, I think the whole purpose of that picture was to highlight the "pregnant" belly. Maybe her hands were covering the "made in China" imprint on the front of the empathy belly.

Anonymous said...

The sequel is going to require some additional chapters:

Mother-daughter rivalry, what to do if/when your daughter becomes pregnant, including sub-chapters:
When you are running for national office, and
When you just "had" one baby and "what was she thinking of?"

Subheading under chapter Pillows vs.Empathy Belly:
How to position hands to hide difficult-to-explain corners and edges

Wardrobe suggestions when you want to look pregnant but don't want people to know, including topics such as jackets, raincoats, scarves, color choices (black hides everything).

Sure-fire stories of heroic motherhood, including:
12 hour Wild Ride, leaking fluid while in labor and no one knew,
they had to induce me, and no one knew that I was pregnant even after I told them.

Tips for taking baby pictures and tips for scrubbing baby pictures

Sure-fire tips for making money from child/grandchild, including unopened presents, right-to-life speeches, books, baby product endorsements, anything else with a dollar sign on it.

Morgan said...

Anon, great suggestions. And I'm sure she'll include them in the upcoming "Ratchet Edition" after she fakes a sixth pregnancy to distract the media from all the lies that will be exposed in the upcoming months.

Country Girl said...

Re Palin clasping her hand around her swollen empathy belly - probably to draw attention to it - but also, too, to hold it in place. I remember a gal in high school who wore 'falsies' underneath her strapless dress. She got carried away doing an energetic dance at a prom, only to discover later what we all knew earlier - her dress had wiggled around, and her left 'breast' was positioned, along with the bodice of the dress, under her left armpit. I'm guessing she's hangin' on.

Morgan said...

I hadn't thought of that, Country Gal, but looking at the picture it does look as if she's kind of holding it. I never noticed the odd placement of her hands untll Anon mentioned it, but what you say makes a lot of sense.

Anonymous said...

Anon 2:36

in addition to "Mother-daughter rivalry, what to do if/when your daughter becomes pregnant, including sub-chapters:
When you are running for national office, and
When you just "had" one baby and "what was she thinking of?"

Please add:

After I just told everyone on TV that you weren't pregnant... ( a real quote from SP)

Leah said...

Great idea, Morgan. But you might want to change the cover to have the week-before image of slender Sarah, and then fat Sarah, side by side, with the dates underneath. This book cover might start circulating broadly, and maybe it would be good to have the hoax-revealing juxtaposition right there for everyone to see.

OR . . . do a companion book called "Sarah Palin's Miraculous Reverse Diet Book" with two such contrasting images on the cover - subtitled "How to gain 40 pounds and add 12 inches to your waistline in just a week!"

Morgan said...

Ah, Leah, were I so motivated. I just included the Gusty shot because I still believe it was staged. I could have done more with the cover, but alas, it'll have to remain as is. I'm still confident that Sarah's fakey-fake pregnancy is going to be exposed anyway, at which time the Gusty photo will be as good as any other.

Leadfoot said...

I also think the hands are positioned that way as a defensive maneuver. Should anyone try to come closer and touch her belly -- she had to be "out in front" and ready to stop them.

ella said...

Think about it: If Sarah wanted to make MILLIONS and I mean MANY MORE MILLIONS than "Going Rogue," she SHOULD write this book! It would be sooooo popular - people on both sides of the political isle would buy it (I would!). It would also clear her conscience. I wonder if there is a teeny bit of conscience in her make-up. Usually, I think NOT, but it strikes me as very odd that she (and Todd) could not sign the birth announcements, using instead "From your Heavenly Father."

Morgan said...

Leadfoot, she may have had the only empathy belly with a car alarm.

Ella, if Sarah wrote a book that outed herself she'd not only scoop her critics but you're right - she'd make a mountain of money. Of course she'd be done politically but I wonder if she really wants a future in politics, anyway. I think she likes the power, the adulation, the special treatment. I just don't think she really wants to do the work.

I have to confess I'm curious to see how she handles the birth story in Going Rogue. Should make for some interesting reading.

peninparadise said...

Morgan and all,

Do you think she will tell her version of the truth in her tome?

Just mulling over pros, cons, and timing...

Morgan said...

I don't know, Penni. In some ways I think she'd be completely crazy to just stick to the same explanations she's already given. So many questions have been raised about the wild ride. A lot of attention has been paid to the inconsistent photos. She's referenced her "distress" over the allegations that she's not Trig's mom. It would seem like a glaring omission if she doesn't address some of this. Will she change her story to retrofit some of the conflicting evidence? I'm eager to see. Anything she says short of an admission is only going to dig herself into a deeper hole than the one she's already in.
The other thing I'm interested to see is to what links she will go to hit back at McCain staffers who she felt dissed her after the campaign. Sarah's a vindictive woman; it's my hope that she will piss the off enough that someone from the McCain bus will leak out some behind-the-scene stuff from the campaign trail specifically related to mother-daughter interaction per Trig.

Amy1 said...

Yes! terrific. I saw it on IM before coming here -- and suggested there that Ch 1 should be the "can you even tell the difference?" test on Bree's site. Hahahaha.

How about a chapter on how to hold your baby for convincing public viewing: not like a sack of potatoes, not facing outward, not drugged so he never squirms or cries, not without socks, not holding him by one foot, not more interested in your blackberry than in making googely eyes with baby (c'mon, you can fake it for just a few minutes, for the cameras!), not in a noisy, spotlighted auditorium all the time, not logging in 25,000 airline miles in his first months before and after birth, not bringing him in to work on day 3 after a 1-mo premature birth, etc.

We have lots of visuals for this chapter.

emrysa said...

heh. that was good!

Anonymous said...

@anon 5:51, There is so such a weird psychology dynamic between Sarah and Bristol that it could probably fill another sequel.

You're right, first Sarah told everyone that there was no truth to the rumor, then, oooops! No wonder Bristol told Greta that telling her mother about her pregnancy was harder than labor. (It makes much more sense for Trig than for Tripp).

I think that if Sarah wrote the real Tell-All Really Going Rogue book describing how she and Todd adopted their teen aged daughter's DS baby to give him the best possible life that they could provide, Sarah would be forgiven and treated like a saint. What a noble thing to do.

What was unforgivable was announcing Bristol's pregnancy at the beginning of the Republican Convention, and then dragging Levi onto the stage with them to create the impression of the happy family.

They could have easily left Bristol and her secrets in Alaska, and worked on campaigning instead of dragging the Palin family here and there. It certainly did no good for little Trig.

I always remember Greta's interview with Bristol, especially the moment when Sarah popped in holding Tripp, saying, "Here's your little bundle of joy." It was so nasty. All I heard was a mother still mad at her daughter.

We can only imagine what happened to cause Levi to leave, and how Bristol was "rewarded" with the rumored house, car and nanny.

Well, now Morgan has her hands full with more books- I think that there must be a trilogy here.

midnightcajun said...

Thanks for the laugh, Morgan. This is priceless.

And I'm with you: I'm waiting to see what nasty things she has to say about the McCain staffers. You know she's been just dying to "set the record straight" by telling "her" side of what happened. I doubt it's occurred to her that she won't have the last word, and that there's a lot more dirt those guys could spill if she pisses them off enough.

Morgan said...

Amy, Bree's site is just priceless. I loved her photo comparisons. She's doing good work. I love your idea for the first chapter. It'd be fun to do a parody book.

Thanks, Emrysa!

Anon, amen to your comment about Sarah's behavior during the Greta interview. I thought the same thing. I can't imagine what it must be like for Bristol to have to live with that passive aggressive manipulative bitch of a mother.

Midnightcajun, thanks so much. I'm actually looking forward to Sarah's book because I just KNOW she'll be unable to rein in her vitriol. I hope she just let's fly and that McCain insiders hit back hard with some really juicy leaks about what we all know was probably discovered on the trail.

Anonymous said...

The book will have some interesting revelations like the fact that Sarah knew she was pregnant before she and Todd got married. "The honeymoon was just so great that we decided to get married afterwards, but it was a bad fishing season and we had to save up the $35 for the marriage license. It took us a whole month to save up the money. Saving is hard when you are poor plus abstinence is hard when you are hot."

Her loyal followers will identify with Sarah's plight as they have all walked that path.

Morgan said...

"Saving is hard when you're poor and abstinence is hard when you're hot."

Anon, that's the funniest thing I've read this week. Love it. That quote certainly needs to be on the inside jacket. It sounds just like something she'd write. Divinely inspired, that.

Anonymous said...

Please, please make a real book about this, and try to get it published somewhere. Even if you have to do it yourself and pass it out to the people. There are a lot of information on this, and I'm sure it will be a best seller. You know anybody can get a book published these days.

Micky-T said...

My bet is, your *really* working on a cover.

I hope so!

Anonymous said...

"Saving is hard when you're poor and abstinence is hard when you're hot."

Is that wisdom from a Heath family refrigerator magnet?

My mother visited some cousins who lived out of state and was really shocked by a beautiful needlework pillow that gal had embroidered. The quote, in tiny stitches, read, "A day without a f*ck is like a day without sunshine." Yes, in the living room with four kids around.

Morgan said...

I can't really disagree with the message, but I don't think I could put that on a couch pillow.

Hey, I'd love to design the cover, Micky-T. I'm thinking Fabio and a snow machine and at least one shot of Jesus for the sequel.

Ivyfree said...

Morgan: "I have to confess I'm curious to see how she handles the birth story in Going Rogue."

My bet is she minimizes it, doesn't mention anything other than giving birth within 24 hours of arriving home.

"I can't imagine what it must be like for Bristol to have to live with that passive aggressive manipulative bitch of a mother."

If, as has been reported, Bristol is getting her own house, a car and a nanny from her parents, I'd say she's managed to adjust quite well. And it won't end for her. She still knows the truth. As an aside, we hear that Willow's partying- am I the only one who thinks that it won't be long before she's pregnant? It worked out for her sister, and maybe Willow thinks parents should treat daughters equally. Whatever went on in that family, I think Willow probably knows a lot. She'd be considered a credible source, when it comes to talking about things Sarah'd rather have kept quiet. Willow's going to be worth keeping a quiet eye on.

Morgan said...

IvyFree, you my well be correct although I think this is going to be a dodgy area for her. She may indeed minimize it, but if she just glosses over her pregnancy and birth then her pro-life fans will be left scratching their heads. If she adds more details they'll be more ammunition. I've wondered at times whether she's going to out herself somehow, although it would end her political career. I doubt she'd do that.

Per Bristol, I think Sarah will give that girl anything she wants to keep her quiet. I've read that she's getting a house and her own nanny to help her with childcare. And I completely agree with your cynical assessment of Willow. It would not surprise me a bit if she didn't follow in Bristol's footsteps. For all Sarah's abstinence talk she's sent a clear message to Willow that Bristol wrote her own ticket by having an out-of-wedlock child. It's so sad.

Anonymous said...

I am thinking in order to be fair to all their kids, TP and $P will owe houses and cars to Track, Willow, and Piper. This sure is getting mighty expensive.

Morgan said...

What? Nothing for Trig? He should get a pony.

Anonymous said...

@Ivyfree, regarding the "birth story" that will appear in "Going Rogue." I think that Sarah handed Lynn her Indianapolis "I chose life" speech along with instructions to do something with it.

It will be Sarah's version of agonizing over a choice that she never had to make, some religion and "gift from God" stuff. I think that poor Trig will continue to be a prop for her biography. Poor kid.

Ivyfree said...

"regarding the "birth story" that will appear in "Going Rogue." I think that Sarah handed Lynn her Indianapolis "I chose life" speech along with instructions to do something with it."

You're right- I was thinking of the actual birth story. I don't think she's going to put out anything about the Wild Ride. The pregnancy, though- she'll say something about the agony of her decision, being too stupid to realize that agonizing over a decision like that automatically means she's prochoice. Trig will be God's Blessing, not "the retarded one."

Anonymous said...

Speaking of books, according to US News & World Report, No Separate Christian Version of Sarah Palin Memoir is Planned:
http://www.usnews.com/blogs/god-and-country/2009/10/06/no-separate-christian-version-of-sarah-palin-memoir-planned.html

Last summer,they announced that there would be a separate Christian version for the Christian booksellers, now Zondervan Publishing claims to have mis-spoken, and they will be copublish the same version of the palin memoir.

They have pushed up the release of Palin's book to "take advantage of current interest in the former Alaska governor." Which I take it to mean, that Sarah may not sustain much more interest in months to come. In the way that the Hong Kong speech resulted in no futher bookings, they really do have to cash in right now.

Eileen said...

Now make a back cover and put photos of all the key players like Bristol, Levi, Mercede, Cathy B, Gutsy and then maybe the humiliation will get one of them to start leaking. That book is given to every gal pregnant in Alaska. Personally I like Attachment Parenting books-something Trig could have benefited by.

Anonymous said...

@ Morgan
"What? Nothing for Trig? He should get a pony."

Well, Trig's not really their kid so if he got a pony then Tripp should get one too! It's never ending...

Morgan said...

Anon at 9:56, that *is* most interesting. I wonder why the change? In addition to the reasons the article stated, perhaps they realize that the only people buying Sarah's book will be the Christian Right, and they may not be willing to buy it twice.

The other possibility? The book contains confessions which may hurt her with Christian readers OR the publisher Zondervan fears rumored revelations may be forthcoming will make her less acceptable to that market.

To say they misspoke is curious indeed.

Morgan said...

Hahah Eileen. How about the Sarah Palin Anti-Attachment Parenting Handbook? That would be a great spoof! Thanks for the laugh.

I'll have to consider a back cover for the book. Oh, if only I had more time to play with Photoshop!

Morgan said...

Anon at 5:59, since Sarah is pretending to be his mom she should buy him a pony. Poor Trig. I'm tempted to send him a pony myself.

RunninL8 said...

Hysterical! Great take on the whole preggo debacle! I'm really enjoying your blog! Always fun to find another fellow progressive blogger!

Andrea said...

I imagine that the Alaskan bloggers will do a thoroughly righteous job of demolishing what the book will probably contain. And with this rush job on the hardcover, it seems like Palin and her people couldn't care less about future paperback sales.

Morgan said...

Thank you, RunninL8. And welcome!!

Andrea, I don't think the Alaskan bloggers will have that much to do. I think this book is already going to be in self-destruct mode.

laughingwolf said...

cut it out you guys, how could any of you even suggest a christian is capable of lying?

is that not contrary to the ten commandments, or something? :P lol