Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Rapture Denied: Christian Edition of "Going Rogue" won't happen

Supporters of Sarah Palin react outside of the God's Own Baptist Church on Wednesday after learning that Zondervan will not release a Christian edition of Going Rogue after all.

Rev. Doug Pious hugs a member of the Youth Army For God on Wednesday after the child broke down upon learning that Sarah Palin would not be releasing a Christian edition of her memoir.


To my dedicated fundamentalist Christian readers - all two of you - I have disappointing news. That Christian edition of Sarah Palin's Going Rogue you've been waiting for, it ain't gonna happen.

Not since God killed Job's family and sent that faithful servant to sit in the wilderness covered in boils (all to satisfy a bet with the devil) have The Righteous been left asking, "Why, God? Why?"

After all, it would been a holy and joyful experience to see all of Sarah's quotes conveniently highlighted in red and cross-referenced with correlating scriptural text. Verily!

So why the change? Here's the official line:

In an E-mail message today, Campbell said she misspoke. "Zondervan never planned on publishing a separate Christian edition of Going Rogue with supplemental material," she said. "From what I understand, it was misreporting."

That's right. Blame the media. Hey, if it's good enough for Sarah it's good enough for a Christian publishing house.

My take on this is different. I'm thinking the Christian edition may have been scuttled for one of these three reasons:

1. Sarah's narrow appeal. Realizing that the market for the original version of Going Rogue will essentially be the same market as for the Christian version, Zondervan finally admits that given the tight economy, even brain-dead Bible-beaters might be unwilling to buy the same lies twice.

2. The real truth, when it comes out, may damage her with the True Christian™
readers
. Publishers have a lot of people on the inside. They may realize that forthcoming revelations about Sarahs' true character - or lack thereof - may alienate so many of Sarah's True Christian™ followers that they'll abandon her and her book.

3. Sarah has outed herself in Going Rogue. This is a slim possibility but one that bears considering. Sarah can't really believe her lies will hold and may have decided to go ahead and spill the beans herself in Going Rogue with the chapters "OK, you got me. I'm Illiterate," and "Guess who faked a pregnancy? Me." If she did this, then the effect on her True Christian™ base (except the most hardcore among them) will be the same as in Number 2.

As Gryphen over at Immoral Minority has pointed out, the conservative book-buying machine has already made sure that Sarah has gotten hers. Thanks to their mass purchasing scam, the woman who can't admit to having read anything is now a best selling author laughing all the way to the bank as her saintly followers wallow in grief.

But since when has the disappointment of supporters ever really mattered to her? (Right, Alaska?) There's shopping to be done, and those fuck-me-pumps aren't going to buy themselves.

"Sarah, O, Sarah? Why have you forsaken us?" the True Christian™ supporters cry.

To which Sarah responds. "Because it was all about me in the first place. Duh."

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

Using David Letterman as the model for getting out in front of the story, Sarah would have a real meta-hit in book sales if she did tell all. People would love her even more for her adopting a Down Syndrome child in order to give him the best possible care. If Trig was Bristol's child, Sara could have replayed her Mama Bear cards and been admired for her selfless act.

But that is not in Sarah's character. The way she announced Bristol's pregnancy during the 2008 campaign was not the act of selfless Mama Bear. Bristol (and the other kids) could have staying in Alaska, and the subject did not have to come up.

I am also interested in the fact that Harper Collins is rushing out the book in November instead of next spring, as first stated. They can probably keep Sarah's name in the press for a few more weeks, but not for a few more months. If her speech in Hong Kong had been a hit, she would be busy lining up speaking engagement instead of looking for a lipstick deal. Maybe Levi can get her a deal with the pistachio nuts people.

Andrea said...

I agree with Anon that it's not in Palin's character to be honest and forthcoming. Why start now? The only steadfast trait she's shown is a propensity to stick with her lies, despite all evidence to the contrary. It's embarrassing to see.

Is she going to do a book tour with signings and everything?

Anonymous said...

Palin is a dead fish in lipstick! Once her dearest followers get their copies of her book, they can put them in their outhouses and use the pages of lies for one good purpose.

mary b said...

You mean..........Sarah actually knows how to read AND write!

Morgan said...

The only reason Sarah would tell all - the only reason - is to deny others the attention and potential profit that would come with dishing what they know.

I think if she does dish, she's going to cloak it in a way that's going to make her look sympathetic to her base. But that will still be risky. You can't justify faking a pregnancy to your constituents. You just can't. Of course, Sarah is delusional and she may very well think she can.

I sincerely doubt that's what will happen, but it's just one of the reasons I've thought of. I'm more inclined to agree with Anon. The Tokyo speech was a bust, no one wants to sign her up for lectures, she's washed up politically regardless of what some would have us believe based on biased polls or whatever. Politically, Sarah is The Dream That Was.

But her story still needs to be told because it stands to net far, far bigger fish than her. Count on it. When it all comes out not even the nut people will want her.

Anonymous said...

Morgan, I see another book cover lurking in the back of your imagination. Since they won't be publishing the Christian Book Store version of Rogue Sarah, maybe you could supply a cover of the missing book, along with some of the chapters that we would have enjoyed reading.

Anonymous said...

Like you said over at IM, Morgan, the ramifications of the SP story for the Republican party are one piece of it. What I am wondering is what the consequences will be for the journalistic community? They as a whole left the story up to the bloggers to tell.

Morgan said...

Ooooooo...Anon at 1:52. That is a fantabulous idea. I shall have to think of something.

Watch this space.

Morgan said...

Anon at 2:19. My prediction is that when this story breaks - and it will - the MSM will devote a lot of time to some very public soul-searching. Expect to see Chris Matthews interviewing Keith Olbermann as they discuss why this never came out earlier. Expect them to express some anger at themselves and their colleagues. Expect them to ride this story like a rented mule as they attempt to save face for ignoring it for the last year. Expect them to still look like a bunch of incompetent asses, since anyone with an Internet connection will be able to go to any blog that's followed this story - Palin Deception, Immoral Minority, etc. - and see that they (the media) were so late to the dance they've all but missed it. Expect the MSM to attempt to gain the spotlight anyway because through all of this they will still try to marginalize the bloggers. Only this time it won't work. The public will be forced to redefine journalism. The ramifications of this story are not just going to shake up politics, but journalism as well.

Those are my predictions.

Christopher said...

Slightly off-topic, but thank you for pointing out the conservative book-buying scam that's made many hack works--not just Sarah Palin's--into "bestsellers", giving the likes of Ann Coulter more publicity than they deserve.

Morgan said...

That scam makes me so mad. It lends the illusion that these right wing mouth-breathers have some sort of mainstream appeal when the truth is that they do not. I mean, seriously...I spent the afternoon in the bookstore and did not see ONE person buy Glenn Beck's book. But he was at the top of the list, too, thanks to this smoke-and-mirrors trick. Disgusting.

morb320 said...

I'm glad that I read your blog entry. Why are these folk crying about being denied a "Christian" version of Palin's book? It makes absolutely NO sense. Something that popped into my mind as I looked at the pictures is the tendency of some of the right-wingers to use terms like "messiah," rock star," "the chosen one," "Hollywood," etc to describe President Obama. Their reaction to this news makes it clearer to me what I have thought about these folks, and that is that although we don't use these labels for the president, the fact that they do and actually demonstrate what they think about some republicans in this way means that they actually revere them as mini-gods. They tend to project what they believe onto the left to justify their own true beliefs. This is not only shameful, it is pitiful.

Morgan said...

I agree, Morb 320. It's shameful, pitiful but also scary. The problem - well, one of the problems - with fundamentalist Christians is that they are incapable of thinking for themselves and need someone to tell them what to do. They're desperate for a leader to rally behind, because in spite of all their talk of God, they can't seem to follow him without someone leading the way. Sarah fills that void for some of them. She's the embodiment of what passes for their faith. Strange, isn't it?
If you want to read more about these people, I'd strongly suggest you look up Web sites on Christian Dominionists. Theopalinism is one site, and her off-shoot site, "God's Own Party" lends some good insight to just how these people think. It is some really crazy shit. And that really is the nicest way I can phrase it.

Andrea said...

Speaking of Glenn Beck, I just saw his latest book at the store and the price tag was $23! They want people to buy that piece of crap, don't they?

Morgan said...

No need to pay that much! Just go here:
http://www.conservativebookclub.com/DefaultJoin.asp?
That's right, conservative kids. Through the magic of bulk-buying, the Conservative Book Club can make idiots into best-selling authors while offering books at such a good price you can still afford your chewing tobacco and lotto tickets. Just $1 each! Woo hoo! Praise Jesus!

Ugh...

indy_girl said...

"Maybe Levi can get her a deal with the pistachio nuts people."

Heck, it doesn't have to be pistachios...for Sarah, any kind of nut would work, including wingnuts, chock full o' nuts, and levi's nuts in a vise if he ever gets close to bristol again.

Anonymous said...

Morgan, please tell me you were just joking with the captions under those two pictures?

Andrea said...

God's Own Party is a great site. I just read their post on the senses-shattering hypocrisy of Schafly and her idiot son. They're hanging in there with the theocracy, ain't they?

Beltway Insider said...

Matt Tabbi had a wonderful article in RS last year about these fundamentalists...great read if you haven't already read it.

http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/20278737/jesus_made_me_puke/print

Morgan said...

Yes, Anon. I was joking with those pictures. I have no idea who those people in the photos are, or whether their grief is nearly as severe as the C4P crowd's after learning that Sarah won't have a Christian edition of her book after all.

Anonymous said...

Morgan,
Thanks for always injecting humor into this amazingly twisted hoax. I am looking forward to the fallout you mention - to SP and the people who facilitated or denied it existed - politicians, media, etc. What is your best guesstimate on the time frame until Babygate becomes the national story?

B said...

Along with a cover for Going Rogue for Christians, could you do one for Your Poorly Faked Christian Pregnancy?

AKjah said...

Morgan. You know that the displeased followers will only have to wait for the Distortapedia version which will rewrite the liberal parts so it is more accessible to the true dominionist.
I just want to know when this all turns into the immaculate concoction.

And i saw the photos on IM yesterday and you dont need surgery to look that way. Just think bundt cake.

Anonymous said...

"What is your best guesstimate on the time frame until Babygate becomes the national story?"

Never

Anonymous said...

Gosh, shouldn't the first edition have been All Super-Christian anyway?

laughingwolf said...

as she's the lipstick on a pig queen, methinks she meant the title to be: GOING ROUGE :P lol

Cheryl said...

Where have you been, Morgan?

johnie2xs said...

I'm proud to say that I have no idea what a "Christian Edition" is. Do I take it to mean that there would be cross references with Scripture? And if that is so, is it to mean that there may be a new addition to the "New Testement",
The Book of Sarah?

mary b said...

I'll go with #2. We all already know that Scarah cannot keep her stories straight. I mean, how many different versions of Trigs birth has she already messed up? And the lie about telling her family that she was 'pregnant'?
I think that we'll be finding out many, many more versions before it's all over for Princess Pinhead.
But I am depending on you and Gryphen to read the book for us! There is no way I could read her book and not be sick for a long, long time.
So here are my heartfelt thanks in advance.
Thank You Morgan!!

mary b