Monday, September 14, 2009

Sarah bows to fear of intergalactic embarrassment

Fear of Capt. Kirk and lack of qualified ventriloquists have caused Palin to close her upcoming Sept. 23 speech to the media.

Who says Sarah Palin isn't compassionate? In a move sure to relieve educators everywhere, she's decided to deny the media access to her next scheduled butchering of the English language.

The former governor, who used winking and red fuck-me-pumps to flirt with the notion of becoming vice-president last year, is slated to speak before a group of foreign investors on September 23. That gives her just nine more days to realize that the invitation is just a big joke on her.

Don't hold your breath, though. The woman who gave us this and this is unlikely to admit she's being pranked until after it's actually happened.

In fact, it took William Shatner reading her Tweets as beat poetry to finally clue her in.

I can just see her standing there in her living room, shaking Todd awake from where he was ignoring her in his recliner and screeching, "Look, Todd! Captain Kirk is on television and he likes me so much he's reading my Tweets on the air!"

To which Todd would reply, "He doesn't like you, he's making fun of you. I told you to stop Twittering! Wasn't it enough when you were an international embarrassment? Now the whole flippin' universe is laughing at us. Nice job. Oh, and while we're actually talking, we're out of Twinkies and now the kids have nothing for breakfast tomorrow morning."

That's when Sarah decided to stop Twittering and hire a ghostwriter to do her Facebook and Wall Street Journal pieces.

But this speech represents a whole new set of problems. It's a lot easier for Sarah Palin to hire a ghostwriter who makes her look like an intelligent writer than a ventriloquist who can make her sound like an intelligent speaker - even to a foreign audience. So to minimize her embarrassment to the world and galaxies beyond, she's making sure no one aside from the audience hears what she has to say. The last thing she needs is for Mr. Spock to show up on Letterman and recite her trade policy ideas. Even he couldn't keep a straight face for that.

But maybe it's for the best. Another Palin speech would have provided too much of a distraction, and I would have had to interrupt my day job of writing lewd and tawdry prose to decipher whatever it was she thought she was trying to say.

Of course, as I pointed out in my last post this may still be a moot point anyway. Sarah may not even show up for the speech and offer up some excuse instead, like Willow accidentally accepted for her or she got the date wrong. Or she could say she can't travel because she just found out she's pregnant with her fifth child.

Yeah, like we believed that story the first time....


Andrea said...

Now, now. Let's be fair to Sexy Sarah. After all, she is so experienced in geopolitical matters, and so worldly and knowledgeable, I'm sure us missing out on one little ol' speech doesn't mean much. She carries these things off without a hitch all the time. In fact, if you need someone who's lightning-quick on the uptake, I say Sarah's your gal.


Christopher said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Christopher said...

This just in: I've found footage of the speech in preparation here.

By the time she performs it it'll look more like this.

Of course she’ll never top Stephen Hawking, who gave us this.

Morgan said...

Well, Chris, the advantage to having three Sarah Palins is that it would take that many to give you half a brain. And while Elliot's Rocket Man was excellent, I have a special place in my heart for Stewie Griffin's version.

Anonymous said...

Saturday Night Live gave us priceless images of Sarah Palin last fall. One of the best was when Tina Fey used Sarah's actual word salad in answering Amy/Katy's questions. And still, brave Sarah agreed to show up on Saturday night live and be the butt of their jokes to show what a good sport she was. The pained look on her face during Amy's Alaska Rap was wonderful!

So, with 950 offers of speeches, this is the one that Sarah uses to debut her new creds. She can't be considered bookable material if no one knows how she is going to perform. On the other hand, Rupert does have alot of friends, but 950?

I suppose you will have to run the on-line poll:
1. Will Sarah show up or not?
2. Will some one secretly tape her?
3. Are we going to see a younger, more pinched & tucked Sarah?
4. What other surprises are in store when Sarah emerges from hibernation? (Don't Mama Bears usually hibernate in the winter??

Morgan said...

1. Yes. She will show up. Word is she needs more hush money.
2. Of course. It's Asia. Technology there is just dank. Someone will probably have a camera embedded in their thumb.
3. It's a good possibility. Keeping that MILF look is important when you're a narcissist with teen daughters to compete with.
4. Who knows. But her kids need to stay clear of her. We all know that Sarah, like a mama grizzly, won't hesitate to eat her young.

Anonymous said...

Morgan, Cool! Thanks for the new word, "dank." Awesome!

Morgan said...

"Dank is one of those great slang words that's just fun to use. The real definition is steamy and dark, like a dank jungle.

But it's morphed into a new meaning and now means "great" or "cool." It also is a noun for really good pot. Not that I'd know about that sort of thing.

Andrea said...

off topic, but hooray for the return of the vampy profile pic :D

Morgan said...

You are too sweet, Andrea. it's much more flattering that the picture of me holding a goat.

Christopher said...

I don't know if "flattering" is the right word, since the picture of you holding the goat is pretty sweet. It's just showing two different sides of you. The picture with the goat is your caring, nurturing side, while the vampy pic is your "Come into my garden...if you dare!" side.

Morgan said...

I'm not feeling particularly charitable towards goats today. Legacy got out and had his way with the very wanton Zoe, who I was NOT planning to breed this year. That hoochie. I think she opened his stall door.

Anonymous said...

So I see from the pic that she indeed did have her teeth done. Overly big veneers on the front. Her first step in the cosmetic makeover? Guess it's not going to be subtle. Love "dank" cuz it rhymes with skank.

Morgan said...

Well far be it for me to defend Sarah, but her teeth really are beautiful. She's not a bad looking woman; she's really very attractive. She's just crazy is all.

Yes, "dank" does rhyme with "skank." I'll have to remember that the next time I thing of writing a poem.

Anonymous said...

my goodness-it's tough being such a dork! i orginally posted this on the wrong thread...

Anonymous said...
i hope some intrepid do-gooder will show up at the dinner, secretly tape Sarah's speech and then sell it to the highest bidder. I seriously don't think this speech will be a secret for long,,, its just too too tempting!

ps-first time poster but i love your blog Morgan!

Morgan said...

Ayerishgirl, thanks and welcome.
I hope someone will tape it too. Sarah's speaking skills hold such high comedic value. I think the people who miss her most are the late night jesters. It's cruel for her to deny them such good material!

mary b said...

Oh Morgan, that was great!
I wish you would blog every day!

Mary B

Anonymous said...

Dank Great word. I think of some caves i have been in. Now it means good....? Should have seen that comin. Now i have no money on this, but i dont think she will speak.
Those Asians "dank" as they are. Wont let Murdock get the pleasure of putting it out first, i mean should she speak. Beyond hello and goodbye i am sure she writes none of it. And i bet the teleprompter is built right into her glasses....would that be dank?

Morgan said...

Thank you, Mary. :-)

To Anon, it appears that - like Jesus - Palin did appear, verily, to the masses. Unlike Jesus, she just spouted a bunch of shit. Her crowd didn't even get the benefit of a few magic tricks.