Fear of Capt. Kirk and lack of qualified ventriloquists have caused Palin to close her upcoming Sept. 23 speech to the media.
Who says Sarah Palin isn't compassionate? In a move sure to relieve educators everywhere, she's decided to deny the media access to her next scheduled butchering of the English language.
The former governor, who used winking and red fuck-me-pumps to flirt with the notion of becoming vice-president last year, is slated to speak before a group of foreign investors on September 23. That gives her just nine more days to realize that the invitation is just a big joke on her.
Don't hold your breath, though. The woman who gave us this and this is unlikely to admit she's being pranked until after it's actually happened.
In fact, it took William Shatner reading her Tweets as beat poetry to finally clue her in.
I can just see her standing there in her living room, shaking Todd awake from where he was ignoring her in his recliner and screeching, "Look, Todd! Captain Kirk is on television and he likes me so much he's reading my Tweets on the air!"
To which Todd would reply, "He doesn't like you, he's making fun of you. I told you to stop Twittering! Wasn't it enough when you were an international embarrassment? Now the whole flippin' universe is laughing at us. Nice job. Oh, and while we're actually talking, we're out of Twinkies and now the kids have nothing for breakfast tomorrow morning."
That's when Sarah decided to stop Twittering and hire a ghostwriter to do her Facebook and Wall Street Journal pieces.
But this speech represents a whole new set of problems. It's a lot easier for Sarah Palin to hire a ghostwriter who makes her look like an intelligent writer than a ventriloquist who can make her sound like an intelligent speaker - even to a foreign audience. So to minimize her embarrassment to the world and galaxies beyond, she's making sure no one aside from the audience hears what she has to say. The last thing she needs is for Mr. Spock to show up on Letterman and recite her trade policy ideas. Even he couldn't keep a straight face for that.
But maybe it's for the best. Another Palin speech would have provided too much of a distraction, and I would have had to interrupt my day job of writing lewd and tawdry prose to decipher whatever it was she thought she was trying to say.
Of course, as I pointed out in my last post this may still be a moot point anyway. Sarah may not even show up for the speech and offer up some excuse instead, like Willow accidentally accepted for her or she got the date wrong. Or she could say she can't travel because she just found out she's pregnant with her fifth child.
Yeah, like we believed that story the first time....