Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Group booking Palin's comedy act gets its money's worth

"It's just common sense that government attempts to solve problems like the health care problem will just create new problems." -- Sarah Palin to the CLSA Investors

It's over. Earlier today GOP spokesmodel Sarah Palin delivered her 90-minute speech at the CLSA Investors Forum. And despite attempts to keep her address the most secrety secret in all of Secretdom, it seems that some of what she said has leaked out.

And yes, it's pretty much what we expected. Reports had suggested that the invitation was a joke on Sarah by a group looking for more laughs than substance.

Apparently that's just what she delivered. As a bonus, she lectured the crowd on the perspective of Main Street, America. Her America, that is, where a politician with presidential ambitions can hide from a media that might press her for answers the public wants while auctioning herself off as a prize to whichever loyal fan can afford to buy her for a few hours.

If the audience understood anything about irony, then I'm thinking her act killed like an Obama Death Panel.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Office Pet

I'm pretty picky about which pets I allow in my office. Voldemort is just perfect. He doesn't shed, doesn't make noise ..... a fantastic proofreader...

....and goes quite nicely with the decor. Are you digging the whole Snake and Apple symbolism? I am. Only naughty girls use Macs. ;-)

I prefer Voldemort to the things we find crawling in our yard this time of year. Check out this six-foot rattlesnake. It's the third one we've come across. My husband catches them live by hand. We don't like to kill them. They make nice, unexpected gifts....

Monday, September 14, 2009

Sarah bows to fear of intergalactic embarrassment

Fear of Capt. Kirk and lack of qualified ventriloquists have caused Palin to close her upcoming Sept. 23 speech to the media.

Who says Sarah Palin isn't compassionate? In a move sure to relieve educators everywhere, she's decided to deny the media access to her next scheduled butchering of the English language.

The former governor, who used winking and red fuck-me-pumps to flirt with the notion of becoming vice-president last year, is slated to speak before a group of foreign investors on September 23. That gives her just nine more days to realize that the invitation is just a big joke on her.

Don't hold your breath, though. The woman who gave us this and this is unlikely to admit she's being pranked until after it's actually happened.

In fact, it took William Shatner reading her Tweets as beat poetry to finally clue her in.

I can just see her standing there in her living room, shaking Todd awake from where he was ignoring her in his recliner and screeching, "Look, Todd! Captain Kirk is on television and he likes me so much he's reading my Tweets on the air!"

To which Todd would reply, "He doesn't like you, he's making fun of you. I told you to stop Twittering! Wasn't it enough when you were an international embarrassment? Now the whole flippin' universe is laughing at us. Nice job. Oh, and while we're actually talking, we're out of Twinkies and now the kids have nothing for breakfast tomorrow morning."

That's when Sarah decided to stop Twittering and hire a ghostwriter to do her Facebook and Wall Street Journal pieces.

But this speech represents a whole new set of problems. It's a lot easier for Sarah Palin to hire a ghostwriter who makes her look like an intelligent writer than a ventriloquist who can make her sound like an intelligent speaker - even to a foreign audience. So to minimize her embarrassment to the world and galaxies beyond, she's making sure no one aside from the audience hears what she has to say. The last thing she needs is for Mr. Spock to show up on Letterman and recite her trade policy ideas. Even he couldn't keep a straight face for that.

But maybe it's for the best. Another Palin speech would have provided too much of a distraction, and I would have had to interrupt my day job of writing lewd and tawdry prose to decipher whatever it was she thought she was trying to say.

Of course, as I pointed out in my last post this may still be a moot point anyway. Sarah may not even show up for the speech and offer up some excuse instead, like Willow accidentally accepted for her or she got the date wrong. Or she could say she can't travel because she just found out she's pregnant with her fifth child.

Yeah, like we believed that story the first time....

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Just thought I'd share...

Click for a larger image. You won't be disappointed. I promise.

And if you were all closer I'd happily send you home with cuttings. Passion flowers are beautiful but the vines grow everywhere.

Hope your weekend has been as colorful as mine. :-)

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

These goats are going to get us kicked out of the neighborhood. I just know it.

Yes, I know today's post represents a departure from my usual offering of political snark. But sometimes I like to talk about something other than Sarah Palin and the crazy right wing of the GOP. Like all these goats having sex in my front yard.

Those of you new to my blog may - or may not - be surprised to learn that I keep a herd of dairy goats. There are eleven, including five does that are currently still milked by hand twice a day. The milk is used for drinking and for making farmstead cheeses, ice cream, fudge and soap.

But in order for our does to give milk they must first have baby goats. And you don't have babies without sex. So each year we borrow a couple of male goats - or bucks - from a goat dairy over in the next county.

And this is the part where things go from pastoral to pornographic.

Over the winter I read a wonderful book called Goat Song by author Brad Kessler. I highly recommend this book, not just because Kessler's writing is so lyrically beautiful, but also because he does a wonderful job detailing life with goats, and how their cycles tie in with the natural ebb and flow of the seasons. Kessler also delves into the rich history of goats, which were the first domestic hoof stock kept by our nomadic ancestors.

But what Kessler doesn't tell you is something I strongly suspect, which is that every sexual perversion known to man was originally inspired by watching goat have sex. It's no wonder that the hedonistic satyr was fashioned after a goat. The animals simply have no modesty. Or shame. Or brakes. And that's made for some pretty interesting happenings here on our tiny farm.

It started this weekend, when we went to pick up the two bucks - a Nubian named Mojo and an Alpine named Legacy. We borrowed Legacy last year when he was just a yearling. He lost his innocence to our does. This year when we went back, I didn't even recognize him. He's the size of a small Shetland pony now.

"This is Bernard?" I asked Lisa, referring to Legacy by the nickname we'd given him last year. I could not comprehend that this wild-eyed beast, unbearably pungent with the smell of his own urine, was the same animal.

"Yep," she said. "And he's not even finished growing. And boy, is he ever ready to breed! He's so fixated on the does that he's hardly even eating."

As if to prove his owner's point, Legacy lowered his head, pissed all over his face and curled up his lip.

"Charming," I said.

"Your girls should think so," Lisa replied.

We led Legacy to the trailer as Mojo, nearly as big and just as smelly, followed. Despite his name, Mojo hadn't seen any action yet. Like Legacy, his first sexual experience would be with our older and somewhat worldly does. Legacy seemed to know just where he was headed. He practically jumped into the trailer.

At home we put the bucks in the pen separate from the does. The only other goat in the buck pen was Toby, the neutered male goat we'd acquired as a pet two years ago. Toby was our first goat. He was bottle-raised and grew up thinking he was a dog or maybe a person. Since he's also a male, I thought it would be OK to keep them together. After all, what could go wrong?

As it turns out, a lot.

As soon as we brought Legacy and Mojo in, the does lined up on the other side of the fence panting like a group of fourteen year-old girls at a Jonas Brother's concert. Two of them turned their backsides to the fence and frantically wagged their tails, as if trying to waft their girlie-scent in the bucks' direction. It was a tawdry display. And I know tawdry. Had they been wearing panties, the does would have tossed them over the fence.

It was all too much for the boys to take. Unable to get to the does, they went for the next best thing - their unsuspecting pasture mate. I immediately rushed in to save poor Toby, who was pinned against the gate by a 175-pound, pheromone-crazed Legacy. As soon as I pulled him away Mojo jumped him. It took all my strength to get Toby out of the pen and into the doe barn on the other side, where he huddled for two days until he got over the drama of his gate-rape.

Breeding season for goats starts in late August and runs through December. Does come in heat every three weeks. Their cycles last for three days, providing a short window to get them bred. Because we have both Alpines and Nubians and want to control who is bred and when, we watch for the signs before putting them in with the bucks.

The does bleat, wag their tails and hang by the fence. The bucks respond by stamping, sneezing, snorting, pissing on their own faces and putting their penises in their own mouths (seriously) should they be endowed with penises big enough to reach.

Today two of our does started showing signs of readiness. Star and Nellie - both slated to be bred to Legacy - stood by the fence making come-hither noises and wagging their tails.

I took Nellie over first. Or, should I say, she took me. I tied Mojo to the side of the shed so Nellie and Legacy could get some sex on, but as it turned out while Nellie was in heat it was just the early stages and not the "standing heat" so called because that is when a doe will stand to be mounted.

Meanwhile, Star was screaming as if she were in physical pain, so I brought her over too. Legacy rushed over, stamping and sneezing. Star turned and looked at him. I think she winked. She squatted and pissed. He stuck his face in the stream and curled his lip up. Legacy was in Pheromone Heaven. This was a doe clearly in standing heat.

Legacy began to clack his teeth and lick Star all over, up and down her back, under her tail. Every now and then he'd rush up and look at her face as if to say, "Yeah, you like that, don't you, baby?"

And since Star is a girl who just can't say no - despite giving birth to triplets earlier this year - she let Legacy have his way with her. Multiple times.

Poor Mojo, tethered to the corner of the goat barn could only watch since none of "his" ladies have yet to come into heat. After a few moments our pet pig, Piggie, walked over and Mojo leaned down as if to say, "'re single. I'm single. We're both here alone. So, what do you say..?"

Fortunately, Piggie is smarter than Toby and knew enough to get out of the way before she got jumped or pissed on. Nobody messes with Piggie, so we don't have to worry about coming out one morning to find a litter of mutant pig-goats or what other sort of abomination would come from such an unlikely coupling.

What we will have will be baby goats due sometime in February. First time moms will have singles; our older does will have twins or triplets. The babies are taken away at birth and bottle raised on their mother's milk.

Once the goats are old enough, we find other families looking to start their own dairy goat herds. Bucks, unless exceptionally nice, are neutered and sold as pets. Sometimes we keep one or two little ones back. We still a young doe and a buck born to Star earlier this year. You can see the birth in this video, which also documents the kids' first days of life.

With the growing interest in organic food and the grocery prices being what they are, dairy goats are more popular than you might think. They're certainly more entertaining, if you don't mind the work or having your yard turned into the 24 Hour Barnyard Sex Channel for a couple of months. I see it as our little gift to the community. It gives our neighbors something else to talk about. Provided, of course, they don't kick us out for indecency.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009


Among socialist values Obama pushed were hard work and hand-washing

So today is the first day back at lessons for my two youngest kids, both homeschoolers. And since many of their publicly schooled counterparts across the nation got to watch President Obama's back-to-school speech I made sure they did, too.

My husband and I encouraged our kids to watch the speech not just because we support our president but also because the act of watching is a testament to our faith in our parenting abilities. We didn't think Obama would say anything we disagreed with. But we are secure enough in our kids' intelligence - and their respect for us - to realize that even if he did that it would be OK. Had he said something we disagreed with, we would have discussed it with the kids. A speech isn't going to influence them any more than we can.

I feel sorry for kids of parents who are less secure in their own abilities, and for kids whose parents are so paranoid that they think the words of a politician - any politician - are going to instantaneously poison whatever values they've formed in their children so far. Do those parents really doubt their own influence to that extent? Do they think the kids they've raised are that morally and intellectually weak?

Apparently so. Some of those parents kept their kids home from school today, collectively raising the average IQ score of their schools by many points.

I made the mistake of turning on a local talk radio station last week. In the five minutes I listened I heard two callers express fear - yes, fear - over this speech. Obama, they said, was going to use this address as a way to advance a cult of personality. You could tell by the way they said this that they had no earthly idea what they were talking about and were just repeating something they'd heard on FOX. In fact, when the host asked one man what he meant by "cult of personality" the man stammered a bit before saying, "You one of them...Jonestowns...You know. A cult."

The callers said Obama was going to try and infect children with socialism. I kept picturing not a speech, but a sneeze spreading commie germs. It sounded pretty dire. So naturally I was keen to pick out the socialist messages today while listening today.

I looked for it when Obama said this:

But at the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world - and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed.

Hmmm. That sounded a lot like that a promotion of individualism. Probably just a slip. And then there was this:

When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia for a few years and my mother didn't have the money to send me to where all the American kids went to school. So she decided to teach me extra lessons herself, Monday through Friday - at 4:30 in the morning.

That sounds suspiciously like appreciation for homeschooling, something a few paranoid right wing home schoolers I know say Obama opposes. Again, that was probably just a mistake. Let's move on.

Where you are right now doesn't have to determine where you'll end up. No one's written your destiny for you. Here in America, you write your own destiny. You make your own future.

Patriotism? How did that get in there? Now let's see what he has to say on that socialist value of Perseverance in the Face of Adversity, shall we comrade?

J.K. Rowling's first Harry Potter book was rejected twelve times before it was finally published. Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, and he lost hundreds of games and missed thousands of shots during his career. But he once said, "I have failed over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

These people succeeded because they understand that you can't let your failures define you - you have to let them teach you. You have to let them show you what to do differently next time.

Aha! Harry Potter reference. He's promoting witchcraft! Still no socialism, though. Damn, those hidden messages are hard to find. Maybe if I replay the speech backwards I'll finally hear that communist propaganda everyone was so worried about.

Poor Obama. You can tell he tries really hard to get his point across, but I were to grade him on turning my kids into little pinko socialists, he'd get a big fat F. For FAIL. By his own standards, that means he'll just to try harder.

Of course, I could be wrong. The message may just be so insidious and understated that it flew under my adult radar. So I'll be on the lookout for the subtle signs of Obama's socialist influence on my kids, just in case. If I catch them pretending to be doctors who treat patients regardless of their ability to pay, then I'll know exactly who to blame. Oh yes, I will...

Thursday, September 03, 2009

An Open Letter to Levi Johnston's Handlers

Dear Sirs:

Would you mind if I ask you a simple question?

What are you thinking?

Please don’t think I’m trying to be rude or disrespectful. I sincerely believe that you have nothing but Levi Johnston’s interest at heart. I’m sure he’s enjoyed the limelight at appearances like the Teen Choice Awards. I’m sure he’s flattered by the attention of stars like Kathy Griffin and interviewers who get him to joke about having sex with cougars or posing in the nude. Great fun for a young man who’s never been out of small town Alaska. Great fun.

But I think what Levi – and maybe you – aren’t seeing is that the public is no longer laughing with him. They’re laughing at him.

This worries me. It worries me a great deal. That boy’s been through a lot with the Palins. He doesn’t have to write a book for most people to realize that. But he should write a book. He needs to write a book. And he needs to do it before he even thinks about movie roles and modeling.

Why? Because right now information is the most marketable thing your boy Levi has. It’s his biggest commodity. But his recent and somewhat reckless appearances are wearing thin on people who might otherwise be sympathetic to his story. He's losing credibility at a time when he needs it the most.

Listen, Sarah Palin is no friend to Hollywood. She’s targeted and bashed all of Hollywood as elitists. She and her kind are a threat to free speech and creativity. They’re a threat to everything Hollywood stands for. And Hollywood knows it.

Don’t you understand that anyone who tells the story that brings this woman down is going to be seen as a conquering hero in Hollywood? If Levi Johnston spills the truth – the whole truth – Sarah’s career will be destroyed. And the right wing punditry and politicos who supported her will be humiliated by association. Once that happens Levi will all but have the key to the city. At the moment, the best you’re offering him is a future spot in I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. Next stop after that: Obscurity.

What do you think Levi would rather be - best selling author turned actor? Or another Kato Kaelin?

Gentlemen, it’s the story that is the key to Levi’s success, both in the court of public opinion and in Hollywood. So on behalf of all of us who seek and want the truth: Stop the leaks. Cut off the juvenile interviews. Put a pen in that boy's hand (or a ghostwriter's hand) and encourage him to do the book. It’s his best, greatest shot at success.

You know what he's been through. You know he deserves it. See that he gets it. Please. You'll not just be doing him a favor, you'll be doing the whole country a favor at the same time.


Morgan, pajama-clad blogger and very, very concerned United States citizen

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Breaking it down

This is a great, simplified explanation to share with those who oppose health care reform, particularly the much-maligned public option.

And because it's polite to give credit where credit is due, I found this first on both Mudflats and Immoral Minority.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Palin's Next Speaking Engagement is a Joke. No, really. It's a joke

So yesterday the news services and blogs were all abuzz about Sarah Palin's next speaking engagement in Asia. There was a lot of collective head-scratching as to why Asian investment group CLSA would invite someone with virtually no foreign policy experience to speak before a group of international investors in Hong Kong.

I wondered, too. And the best I come up with was that she'd have something in common with the natives. English is their second language. English is her second language.

Then today comes a report that takes the mystery out of the invitation. It's a joke.

According to Business Insider Daily, the Asian investment firm CLSA which booked Palin has a reputation for bringing a touch of humor to their investor meetings.

In the past, they've polled Asian fortunte tellers for index targets, hired anime cartoonists to draw Japanese research and generally love to push the boundaries between entertainment and analysis. They are a real research firm, it's just that they love to sprinkle in some hilarity every now and then as a smart marketing gimmick.

Sarah Palin, the report says, "is this year's big laugh for them."

Now the big question is will she even know she's being pranked. Sarah's a little slow on the uptake. During the 2008 campaign a couple of Canadian DJ's calling themselves "The Masked Avengers" strung her along for nearly five minutes by making her think she was talking to French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Sarah remained oblivious during the chat, even when "Sarkozy" asked if she'd take him hunting by helicopter and referenced a porn movie - Nailin Palin - that featured her likeness.

It took the DJ's telling Sarah she'd been pranked before she figured it out. The woman is a laugh riot without even trying. Now that she knows she's expected to be funny in Asia, does that mean she'll actually try? Or will the former-VP candidate-turned-international-joke do as she has always done at home and deliver the laughs just by opening her mouth?

Or maybe she won't go at all, as has been her trend. This time at least, she'll have an excuse.