Wednesday, August 19, 2009

My gifts to Sarah

Of all the Sarah Palin news continuing to leak out even after we thought we’d gotten rid of her something finally emerged today that I’d actually been waiting for.

After a protracted delay, Sarah has gotten around to disclosing the gifts she received in 2008 from well-wishers. The report was due in March but is just being released now, a full five months later. But who's counting, right?

Besides, she had a good excuse. Apparently her garage was so chock-full of goodies there was hardly room for the special edition Arctic Cat "Welcome Home Jesus" snow machine Todd had custom made for the Second Coming. (Sure those things aren't cheap, but I hear that Todd gets a great company discount.)

The gifts are pretty much what you’d expect. Tacky stuff from tacky people. A giant glass elephant, a gun case engraved with Sarah’s name, a bunch of cross-stitched crap for her house because when you use firearms and antlers as decorating accents you need something soft to balance it. A Bible bound in the skin of un-baptized Democrats..no wait. That’s goatskin. Either way you have to admit that's kind of creepy.

She even got some books (otherwise known to Sarah as “kindlin’), a few flags presumably to wrap herself in…oh, and get this: some moron actually sent her a statue of the Virgin Mary. Pffft. Like Pentecostal Sarah is going to keep that pagan thing.

I’m sure included in there was at least one pair of fuck-me-pumps sent to her by some creepy, married Republican deacon who spent many an hour afterwards fantasizing that she’d show up at his door wearing nothing but his gift and a trench coat. Hope springs eternal. So hang on, pervs. You may yet get your shot if those Palin divorce rumors are true.

Why was I so interested in this news? Because I’d sent her a few things, too. And damn it, not one of them was listed. Not that I'm hurt. OK. I lied. I am.

But fine. I’ll just list them myself. Now don't laugh. I didn't have much to spend. I have kids to support. And goats, which, by the way will never be skinned to make a Bible for some lying politician to thump.

And now I give you my personal list of the Love Offerings I Sent To Sarah:

1. Hooked On Phonics


I got her the starter set because I didn't want to scare her.

2. Jesus Action Figures



I thought these would look good on the mantel. I could just imagine the glass eyes of a once noble moose staring down in amusement at these super cool Jesus dolls. Forever. I liked them so much I got a second set for myself.

3. The Bibleman Video Game


OK. I got this one for the kids. Especially for Bristol and Levi. I'd hoped it would give them something to do so Bristol wouldn't get pregnant again. I failed. I'm sorry, Sarah.

4. A personalized 8 x 10" print of a special family moment

This one was my favorite. I even put a cute caption on it for her.

I'm thinking Sarah liked this one best. The only reason I didn't get a thank-you note was because she was just too choked up.

46 comments:

Andrea said...

You crammed an impressive amount of snark in one post...I doff my cap to you.

And hey, next time send those Jesus dolls my way. Jesus on a Harley is pretty bitchin'.

I wonder what she really thinks of that Mary statue.

Morgan said...

I'm thinking she's still trying to burn that Mary statue at the stake.

And those Jesus dolls? Are those crazy or what? I can't decide between surfin' Jesus and bull-ridin' Jesus.


Thanks for appreciating my snark. I was once criticized for it, but the critic was a simpering little bitch so, you know, what did I care....

GinaM said...

Need to get my contacts checked because at first glance Morgan, I thought the Jesus was the (forgive me Lord) the Burger King guy from the commercials. OOps.

Morgan said...

It's OK, Gina. I think of Jesus every time I eat at Burger King. Those onion rings are to die and be Born Again for.

Stacy said...

Die and be born again for? Haha! I want some of those onion rings.
I don't comment like I should but I discovered your blog from PD and love it.

Morgan said...

Thank you, Stacey. I have my moments...

HollyP said...

A Bible bound in the skin of un-baptized Democrats just killed me. At least I can now be born again.

And for the record, I like biker Jesus, just because of the way the artist made Jesus's robe look like it was blowing around.

Morgan said...

Seriously Holly, I've come really close to buying some of those for gag gifts. I thought that the things were a joke but verily, they are not.

Silvergirl said...

Darn it, Morgan. I could not find a price for those Jesus figures. I tried "Buy Now", but it gave me a page error.

I love the way sayings appear above the figures when you roll over them with the cursor. "I am Freedom" for the motorcycle Jesus is a hoot!

Thanks for the snarky list.

Silvergirl said...

Oh, and shouldn't Jesus being wearing a helmet over his crown of thorns?

Morgan said...

I don't know. Once someone's jammed a crown of thorns on your head how much worse can it get?
I think Jesus likes to live on the edge; that would explain inciting the Pharisees and walking on oceans in storms. And playing football without a helmet.

I'm so distressed that the figures aren't for sell. I did find a 12" talking Jesus on eBay. It says 26 phrases. I wonder if any of them include "Sarah in 2012?" or "Tom Delay is dancing! Let's watch!"

debinOH said...

OMG, you are just too funny.

By the way, I am sure that Sarah just replaced the virgin mothers head with her own & put it up on her mantel with all the rest of the junk!

Bree Palin said...

I like your list of gifts better! I hope she doesn't get made and throw the 7 painted angel stones at somebody.

Anonymous said...

lmao, great post!!!

Jonathan Sands said...

Hey Token; I'm down here in Florida (Largo,not Key) and I have been reading many of you Alaska bloggers for months and never miss an appearance of Shannyn on MSNBC. I am now bookmarking you and looking forward to all the snark you can muster. You guys are doing wonders for the incorrect intellectual perception the lower 48 has gotten due to Sister Sarahcuda.
Keep it up!

Anonymous said...

Sorry for the duplication. I'm a bit of a computer dolt.

Morgan said...

Bree, I just read through that list. Maybe she skipped the angel stones out over Lake Lucille so they could rest with her wedding ring.

Morgan said...

John, thanks and welcome!

I appreciate the kind words. A clarification, though. I'm not in Alaska. I'm in the Southeast! But I follow Alaskan politics closely, having developed a visceral aversion to Sarah the moment McCain hauled her out on the national stage.

Thanks for raising the bar. I'll certainly make sure I try and keep you stocked with snark.

Morgan said...

Hey, no problem about the duplication John. That happens. When Google consumed Blogger it made posting a bit more difficult.

mlaiuppa said...

The we are fishermen site just says "coming soon" if you try to buy.

If you're looking for a Jesus action figures, try Archie McPhee. They also have nodders and a "nun chuck".

http://www.mcphee.com/categories/christianity.html

(You can also get Librarian action figures with amazing shushing action, Carl Jung, Sigmund Freud, Edgar Allen Poe, Charles Dickens and Jane Austen action figures.

http://www.mcphee.com/categories/action.html

Morgan said...

Mlaiuppa, those are great. One of my fellow copy editors at the paper where I used to work had one of the Nunzillas.

Those other ones are great, too.

(Christopher, if you're reading you need the librarian action figure with shushing action!)

Morgan said...

The mother Mary with Sarah's head? That would certainly fit her Madonna complex, Deb. ROFL!

peninparadise said...

That's what I thought when I first saw this picture...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/35974000@N06/3512903640/in/set-72157617863472300/

miller said...

Morgan,

Your post was fabulous.I can't stop looking at the Jesus dolls.They are priceless. Am from the Northeast and experienced the same visceral reaction that you had when seeing SP for the first time and it hasn't abated in a year. Keep posting,I need the laughs.
What are angel stones? Did I miss them on the gift list?
Noted some familar names among the posters. Been reading the Alaska blogs for several months and so appreciate the information.Keep spreading the message about SP.

crystalwolf aka caligrl said...

Morgan, first time here, Great post, I'd like to link to my Facebook if you don't mind?
Came here via IM's Gryphen!
That goat skin bible IS creepy!

MrsTarquinBiscuitbarrel said...

That was some heavy-duty, finger-lickin' snark, girl! Thanks! I was especially knocked out by the Surfer Jesus, shootin' the curl! That would have been a bitchen, high-selling item in my hometown, where a bowling alley was turned into a very aggressive evangelical church, Hope Chapel!

Andrea said...

It feels so good to see you up and at 'em again, Morg. ("up and atom" for Simpsons fans)
And now I feel cool by association. I hope the newcomers stick around because this blog's brain truly is a sight to behold. If that made sense.

Morgan's even reading Twilight. That's how brave she is.

Morgan said...

Andrea, icksnay on the ookbay...Making mention of my current reading just lowered my street cred.

I hope everyone realizes I'm reading Twilight under duress. My twelve-year-old has steadfastly refused to help me with the daily goat-milking unless I read the entire series. I'm on Chapter Five of the first book. If it keeps on the way it is I'm going to pound a stake through my own head by Chapter Ten.

And PS: You do not need me to make you cool. You're blog is way cool already.

Morgan said...

Miller,

Gryphen has the complete disclosure from from Van Flein linked in the post directing readers to my blog (thanks again, Gryphen!)

Apparently someone sent Sarah seven hand-painted angel stones among all the other crazy stuff. It makes for good reading. Just have a barf-bag handy. It reads a little like going away gifts on the last day of Pentecostal Summer Camp.

Morgan said...

Crystalwolf, thanks so much! I'd be honored to have you link me off of FB!

Morgan said...

Penni, haha. I like that caption, too.

MrsTarquinBiscuitBarrel,
I have a hard time choosing which Jesus is the best. Surfin' Jesus would be popular here but if he can walk on water why does he need a surfboard I wonder?

AKjah said...

Morgan thanks for that. My morning needed something up-lifting. I shall return to read more. I like your style. B.

Ennealogic said...

Abfab, Morgan. Hope you don't mind, I linked to this post on H&HT near the top of the sidebar under "Best Snark for Today."

Thanks every-ly for the much-needed laughter!

Silvergirl said...

I've read the first Twilight book, just to see what it was about, and that was enough for me.

Does it help if you view the Twilight series as love comic books? Does anyone remember those? All that longing and angst over love or unrequited love sure sells books.

I prefer non fiction anyway. I sincerely hope someone will write a non fiction book about Sarah Palin someday. Hmmm, maybe I could even stand to read it without cringing - much.

Helen said...

lol funny..loved it!

SoCalWolfGal said...

OMG, way too funny! Thanks for the laugh Morgan. Continue with the snark, something we can all use these days, especially where Palin is concerned. I like surfin' Jesus, way cool.

the problem child said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the problem child said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the problem child said...

If you are considering sending any additional gifts, you might consider the following:
http://www.divine-interventions.com/index2.php

Warning: NOT safe for work!

Sorry, cleaned up after myself when I realized I was actually signed in to blogger, and I can.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious post--thanks for the best laughs of the day!

Is that gorgeous horse yours?

Linda in Virginia

Morgan said...

OMG Problem child.... Dare I use this for a post at some point? And here I was thinking my sister's Hello Kitty vibrator was bad. I really don't know what to say, so I'll just roll on the floor laughing till this Mute Spell passes.
Thank *You* for giving me a great laugh!

Morgan said...

Yes, Linda. That beautiful boy is Lumos. He's a Haflinger and I adore him completely. I went riding today and he was a bit cheeky. But he's so beautiful I instantly forgave him. :-)

Andrea said...

Hoo boy, I went to look at that divine interventions site....best thing I've seen in a looong time. I love that you love it, Morgan! I'm the heathen, yet you're worse than me :)

Morgan said...

Aww, Andrea. That was the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day!

indy_girl said...

I had never seen your blog before but arrived through a link on Immoral Minority--thanks for the hysterical read!! You are now on my favorites list!

The Jesus set looks like something Archie McPhee would carry...funny stuff.

Karen said...

This post is great! I printed it off, for whenever needing a laugh. Humor is the best way for me to deal with the frustration of our "friend" SP. Maybe some Jesus action figures would help as well..... Thanks for your wit!