Friday, August 21, 2009

Come again?

That’s what she said. Republican Sentator John Ensign’s former mistress, that is.

And that’s what I said earlier this week – with an entirely different meaning – when I heard him take a morally superior stance on his adultery by favorably comparing himself to Bill Clinton.

Ensign, backed by a chorus of angels only he could see, explained the difference between wholesome, family values adultery and the nasty Democratic variety.

“President Clinton stood right before the American people and he lied to the American people,” Ensign told the Associated Press.

Let me digress here and state I’m not making apologies for Bill Clinton. The man is a horn dog who, for all his lofty talk, sees women as objects. Specifically humidors. When he “rescued” those two hot journalists from North Korea I was among those hoping they had a Bill-proof cabin for the trip home. I could see him leaning against the door as he tried to lure them out with that self-assured Arkansas drawl.

“Hey girls. I just saved both of you from a labor camp. Now come on out and show Daddy some love….”

But Clinton might not have that image with me or anyone else if he’d just taken the GOP path of Righteousness Adultery. As a married lawmaker, when you decide to fuck someone besides your wife the first thing you ask yourself is “What Would Jesus Do?”

Well, first of all you render unto the mistress whatever it takes to keep her pretty mouth shut. In Ensign's case that may have been $25,000 in severance pay followed by another $96,000 from (cough, cough) Mom and Dad. Oh, and if you pick a mistress who is also married, at least try to find one whose husband who won't be a poor sport about it.


Or you could just claim that the affair wasn’t really an affair, but a bonding of spirits that transcends partisan and even cultural boundaries. That’s what Republican South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford did. He knew none of us on lower spiritual planes would understand, which is why he claimed to be hiking up the steamy Appalachian trail when he was really hiking up some a steamy Argentinean’s skirt.

But this wasn’t just some piece of ass, he argued. This was his soul mate. It was love. And God is Love, right? So Sandford’s sex was like a throbbing, pulsating expression of his Christianity....or something like that. And he likely tried to explain that to his boring wife, but like the rest of America she just too stupid to understand. Which is exactly why we women need good conservative men to guide us through life, because only a conservative can explain why things happen the way they do.

But it’s not always women who get the Holy Order of the GOP in trouble. Sometimes it’s men, like in the case of former GOP Senator Larry Craig. Upon detecting a come hither stance from a guy in the next bathroom stall, Craig took one look at the alluring wingtip shoe and thought, “Yeah, I’d tap that…”

Later after pleading guilty to disorderly conduct he did a reach around..I mean, a turnaround, and said it never happened.

Because lying, like adultery is OK as long as it doesn't violate state or federal law. And because it’s not really sinning unless you’re a Clinton.

And Larry Craig knows exactly what he'd like to do to Bill Clinton, given this 1999 interview. It would seem he'd like to...No, I'm not going to say it. I'm not. I'm just going to let Larry Craig speak for himself. Because sometimes only the righteous can do it best...


Andrea said...

Well hell, woman, you got so many zingers in there I don't know where to start. I think the deeper mystery here though is who is letting these Republican men fuck them? *shivers*

And omg that video! lol How much you wanna bet he's got bookmarked?

Morgan said...

Methings Craig wants to play Schoolmaster to Bill Clinton's naughty, nasty, dirty little schoolboy.

gramma janny said...

Wow....thanks,as always, for a great morning pick-me-up......way better than Starbucks! Your blog is often my "salvation".

Morgan said...

Better than Starbucks??

Ha! Take that corporate America! In your face!

Thanks Gramma Janny. That was the coolest thing anyone's said to me all week.

Anonymous said...

My old engineering school professor opined that most of the sex scandals involved Democrats because women didn't find Repuglicans appealing.

Maybe there ARE a few exceptions, I guess.


god, Morgan - the blogosphere is the Right's nightmare. Their sanctimony just cries out for the kind of spanking that only a smart-assed progressive can give. The only problem is that sometimes it's just too easy.

Now stand those nasty, bad, bad boys in the corner. I'm sure they will love it.


Morgan said...


I'm clearly going to have to put up a photo of myself wielding a whip and wearing knee high leather boots. It's the only way I can think to increase my Republican leadership.

And geesh....did you catch that YouTube interview featuring Craig? Holy cow, what did Clinton do to get him so worked up? Craig acted like the guy had just lit The Grail Shaped Beacon!

nswfm CA said...

OMG, all of that plus the comments had me laughing out loud!

Mike Licht said...

John Ensign is a man of integrity. Everybody on C Street says so.


Morgan said...

Thank you, nswfm. I'm so proud of my readers. They provide the back-up snark for visitors.

Mike Licht, that C-Street stuff is way creepy. Just when you think you know everything about your good Christian representative you find they're getting all Dan Brown behind your back. Sex and payoffs and secret societies, oh my!


Karen said...

Ensign is vainly trying to justify his adultery, claiming to be on higher moral ground than Bill Clinton. Yeah, no laws broken, does that mean it's OK lying to your wife & family? No way he's gonna score sexaul morality points, comparing himself to Clinton!

I also, too, was worried about the gals coming home from North Korea. However, gotta give kudos to Bill for making that possible. Thanks & I will come again soon LOL.

Christopher said...

Thanks for reminding me of Larry Craig--who's still in office, right? That's the only one that comes as a small surprise. After all Ensign, Sanford, and, for that matter, Clinton had affairs with women. Craig came on to another man which you'd think is one thing Republicans would consider unforgivable even when it was one of their own who did it.

Morgan said...

Actually Craig tapped his way out of office after pleading guilty to something he didn't do. I guess this was supposed to be a good political move, the kind only Jesus understands.