Friday, August 21, 2009

Come again?

That’s what she said. Republican Sentator John Ensign’s former mistress, that is.

And that’s what I said earlier this week – with an entirely different meaning – when I heard him take a morally superior stance on his adultery by favorably comparing himself to Bill Clinton.

Ensign, backed by a chorus of angels only he could see, explained the difference between wholesome, family values adultery and the nasty Democratic variety.

“President Clinton stood right before the American people and he lied to the American people,” Ensign told the Associated Press.

Let me digress here and state I’m not making apologies for Bill Clinton. The man is a horn dog who, for all his lofty talk, sees women as objects. Specifically humidors. When he “rescued” those two hot journalists from North Korea I was among those hoping they had a Bill-proof cabin for the trip home. I could see him leaning against the door as he tried to lure them out with that self-assured Arkansas drawl.

“Hey girls. I just saved both of you from a labor camp. Now come on out and show Daddy some love….”

But Clinton might not have that image with me or anyone else if he’d just taken the GOP path of Righteousness Adultery. As a married lawmaker, when you decide to fuck someone besides your wife the first thing you ask yourself is “What Would Jesus Do?”

Well, first of all you render unto the mistress whatever it takes to keep her pretty mouth shut. In Ensign's case that may have been $25,000 in severance pay followed by another $96,000 from (cough, cough) Mom and Dad. Oh, and if you pick a mistress who is also married, at least try to find one whose husband who won't be a poor sport about it.


Or you could just claim that the affair wasn’t really an affair, but a bonding of spirits that transcends partisan and even cultural boundaries. That’s what Republican South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford did. He knew none of us on lower spiritual planes would understand, which is why he claimed to be hiking up the steamy Appalachian trail when he was really hiking up some a steamy Argentinean’s skirt.

But this wasn’t just some piece of ass, he argued. This was his soul mate. It was love. And God is Love, right? So Sandford’s sex was like a throbbing, pulsating expression of his Christianity....or something like that. And he likely tried to explain that to his boring wife, but like the rest of America she just too stupid to understand. Which is exactly why we women need good conservative men to guide us through life, because only a conservative can explain why things happen the way they do.

But it’s not always women who get the Holy Order of the GOP in trouble. Sometimes it’s men, like in the case of former GOP Senator Larry Craig. Upon detecting a come hither stance from a guy in the next bathroom stall, Craig took one look at the alluring wingtip shoe and thought, “Yeah, I’d tap that…”

Later after pleading guilty to disorderly conduct he did a reach around..I mean, a turnaround, and said it never happened.

Because lying, like adultery is OK as long as it doesn't violate state or federal law. And because it’s not really sinning unless you’re a Clinton.

And Larry Craig knows exactly what he'd like to do to Bill Clinton, given this 1999 interview. It would seem he'd like to...No, I'm not going to say it. I'm not. I'm just going to let Larry Craig speak for himself. Because sometimes only the righteous can do it best...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

My gifts to Sarah

Of all the Sarah Palin news continuing to leak out even after we thought we’d gotten rid of her something finally emerged today that I’d actually been waiting for.

After a protracted delay, Sarah has gotten around to disclosing the gifts she received in 2008 from well-wishers. The report was due in March but is just being released now, a full five months later. But who's counting, right?

Besides, she had a good excuse. Apparently her garage was so chock-full of goodies there was hardly room for the special edition Arctic Cat "Welcome Home Jesus" snow machine Todd had custom made for the Second Coming. (Sure those things aren't cheap, but I hear that Todd gets a great company discount.)

The gifts are pretty much what you’d expect. Tacky stuff from tacky people. A giant glass elephant, a gun case engraved with Sarah’s name, a bunch of cross-stitched crap for her house because when you use firearms and antlers as decorating accents you need something soft to balance it. A Bible bound in the skin of un-baptized wait. That’s goatskin. Either way you have to admit that's kind of creepy.

She even got some books (otherwise known to Sarah as “kindlin’), a few flags presumably to wrap herself in…oh, and get this: some moron actually sent her a statue of the Virgin Mary. Pffft. Like Pentecostal Sarah is going to keep that pagan thing.

I’m sure included in there was at least one pair of fuck-me-pumps sent to her by some creepy, married Republican deacon who spent many an hour afterwards fantasizing that she’d show up at his door wearing nothing but his gift and a trench coat. Hope springs eternal. So hang on, pervs. You may yet get your shot if those Palin divorce rumors are true.

Why was I so interested in this news? Because I’d sent her a few things, too. And damn it, not one of them was listed. Not that I'm hurt. OK. I lied. I am.

But fine. I’ll just list them myself. Now don't laugh. I didn't have much to spend. I have kids to support. And goats, which, by the way will never be skinned to make a Bible for some lying politician to thump.

And now I give you my personal list of the Love Offerings I Sent To Sarah:

1. Hooked On Phonics

I got her the starter set because I didn't want to scare her.

2. Jesus Action Figures

I thought these would look good on the mantel. I could just imagine the glass eyes of a once noble moose staring down in amusement at these super cool Jesus dolls. Forever. I liked them so much I got a second set for myself.

3. The Bibleman Video Game

OK. I got this one for the kids. Especially for Bristol and Levi. I'd hoped it would give them something to do so Bristol wouldn't get pregnant again. I failed. I'm sorry, Sarah.

4. A personalized 8 x 10" print of a special family moment

This one was my favorite. I even put a cute caption on it for her.

I'm thinking Sarah liked this one best. The only reason I didn't get a thank-you note was because she was just too choked up.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

No more Novak

(Republican Identifying Plame)

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

I was on another progressive blog earlier and was surprised to find that some people were struggling to find nice things to say about Robert Novak in the wake of his death.

As I commented there, I've always found it rather ironic that while disdaining someone in life we often feel compelled to say nice things about them when they die. This has always struck me as hypocritical. It would seem to me that the time to be charitable is when someone is around to appreciate it.

I had nothing nice to say about Robert Novak when he was alive. I have nothing nice to say about him now. After what he did to Valerie Plame, the closest I can come to a charitable observation is that I think it's really sad that he sold his soul to Karl Rove before he could give it to God.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The view from Crazy

Do crazy people know they're crazy? Probably not. And if they're in the company of other crazy people egging them on they may even feel they're not crazy. Or that it's OK because Crazy is the new Normal.

It was bad enough when I couldn't watch the news without seeing crazy from the right wing. But when people I like and respect start spewing the same paranoid fears about the insurance reform on Facebook then I'm beginning to wonder if there's something in the water.

A couple of weeks ago, Sarah Palin claimed Obama's health care plan would include "death panels" that would give a thumbs up or thumbs down on her Downs Syndrome son's (wink, wink) right to exist. She and other right wing crazies claim that a national health care plan is socialized medical care (Medicaid) and would lead to rationing (common insurance company practice now).

Right wingers don't want the US of A to end up like Canada or Great Britain where handicapped people are regularly put to ....death...right?

OK. Hold on. Someone would like to step up to disagree with Sarah Palin. Look, it's renowned international physicist Professor Stephen Hawking!

Professor Stephen Hawking has defended the NHS after its severe criticism during the American political debate over health care reforms.

The physicist spoke up for the NHS after the Republican Right claimed it was 'evil' and 'Orwellian' in a direct attack on Barack Obama's plans to overhaul health care in the U.S.

Critics of the president have said his plans would introduce a 'socialist' system like Britain's.

Prof Hawkin, who suffers from Lou Gehrig's disease, said: 'I wouldn't be here today if it were not for the NHS.

'I have received a large amount of high quality treatment without which I would not have survived.'

So who are you going to believe. This genius? Or this complete moron?

Of course, the people flooding these town meetings with guns and pleas not to kill grandma can't be reasoned with or influenced by superior intellect. They're like this Crazy Sprinkler Lady who wonders with growing paranoia how those rainbow colors got in her sprinkler spray.

I kind of feel like I'm dealing with Crazy Sprinkler Lady every time I get an email from a Sarah Palin fan. As many of you know, I've been a vocal critic of McCain's Vagina since she was trotted out as a potential VP candidate in 2008.

To her fans, the idea that I or any other woman would think Palin unworthy of leadership has nothing to do with an issue of qualifications. No, they say. The real reason we hate her is because - are you ready? We're fat.

But we're not just fat. We're also menopausal, sexually unsatisfied, ugly, secretly in love with Todd Palin and jealous because he's with Sarah, dealing with the guilt of our multiple abortions, possibly lesbians (although I'm not sure why a lesbian would have a crush on Todd) and intimidated by Sarah.

Did I leave anything out? Oh wait, I did! We also hate Jesus. Especially Baby Jesus. We want to kill Baby Jesus. If Baby Jesus had Downs Syndrome, we'd want to kill him twice.

I guess they say all of this stuff because they can't think of anything else to say. I actually had one right wing blogger respond to my criticism of Sarah on another blog by stating, "I bet Morgan is fat and ugly." When he came to my blog and discovered I was neither, he came back and announced, "Well, her teeth are really big."

I guess with that kind of intellect you take what you can get.

I can't reach the crazies. But if one person on the edge of plunging into Lake Loony reads this and is inspired to do some actual research on health care reform I will feel that my work, for this day at least, has been done.


This is the kind of person we're dealing with. This woman doesn't feel qualified to handle the finances of her own household and yet she feels qualified to criticize health care reform? If you ask me, the host of Hardball handled her in a very gentlemanly manner given that he could have excoriated her for such astounding ignorance.