It's been awhile since I've written anything here about Sarah Palin, whom I snarkily referred to as McCain's Vagina during 2008 presidential campaign.
But now that she's sulkily stomped out of office because people wouldn't stop being mean to her, how could I resist analyzing her decision to abandon her post as Governor halfway through her term?
"I'm not a quitter, I'm a fighter," Palin told CNN.
Oh come on, Sarah. As a modern woman and working mother why not just admit how good you are at doing it all? You're a fighter and a quitter. You're a fighter who quits. You're the plucky point guard who drives through the full court press with her eye on the basket and then refuses to take the shot because the opposing team dared to try and block you. (The nerve of them!)
Who knows her real reason for leaving. If it's the one she gave then no wonder her supporters are so stunned.
Bloggers, Sarah sniffs, are just a bunch of poopy-heads who say mean things and she isn't going to take it anymore.
They're just like that awful David Letterman who joked that her teen daughter might have had sex in New York with a pro-athlete. As opposed to the truth, which is that her teen daughter had sex in Palin's own home with a high-school athlete.
"Lettermen should apologize!", Sarah pouted, stomping the ground in a way that made her hair extensions bounce oh-so-prettily. She said the joke was not funny. What apparently was funny was SNL's earlier skit about her husband Todd having sex with her daughters. How did she express outrage over that particular "insult?" That's right - she went on SNL as a guest.
But forget that little inconsistency. Sarah wants to make it clear - it's her right as a mother - not the media's - to exploit her kids. She gave birth to them, after all. Or at least to four of them. Not everyone believes Trig is Sarah's, unless of course you're willing to believe that a 43-year-old pro-life Christian woman knowing that carrying a Downs baby put her in the riskiest of high-risk pregnancy categories would knowingly leak amniotic fluid all day before boarding a plane in Texas and flying to Alaska, only to bypass two major medical centers in Anchorage in favor of a backwater hospital with no NICU facilities. For more on why no sane person could really believe that story, read this.
Other possibilities as to why Sarah quit? Daughter Bristol's baby-daddy Levi is shopping a tell-all book deal; maybe the long-simmering question over Trig will finally be revealed. After a long fight another pajama-clad blogger is about to get her hot little hands on a batch of Sarah's yet-unreleased emails. Who knows what they'll reveal. Rumors have swirled for months now that the Palins wound up with a shiny new house shortly after a lumber company won the contract to build a still-controversial sports center in Wasilla when Sarah was mayor there. If there turns out to be anything to that, then Sarah could have added "stealing home" to the other bizarre sports analogies she used in her disjointed July 3 resignation speech.
Or, maybe, Sarah is finally telling the truth. She's not really a pitbull. She's just a Papillon who impressed people by yapping through the fence all these months.
"Look how tough she is!" they said. "Isn't she cute! And brave, too!"
Then she saw that the gate was open. And instead of hanging with the big dogs she turned and ran away whining. And everyone realized she was never what she - or John McCain - pretended she was.
No matter what the reality, Sarah Palin is toast. Having proved how well she handles political pressure by not handling it, she's destroyed any chance of ever being taken seriously again.
And I, for one, am really happy about that.