“With a few flowers in my garden, half a dozen pictures and some books, I live without envy.”
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
There are millions of Vaginas in the United States. John McCain only needed one. He could have had almost any Vagina he wanted. But he chose first-term Alaskan governor Sarah Palin’s.
Having a Vagina was apparently the only qualification needed for the position of Vagina Person - V.P. for short. With his choice, McCain demonstrated that as far as he’s concerned one Vagina is as good as the next. After all, in the Sacred Sisterhood of Vaginas, things like experience, policy positions and basic knowledge of foreign policy don’t matter. We can’t bother our pretty little heads with those things, not with all those cookies to bake.
We just need to know one thing: Do you, my dear, have a Vagina? You do? Well then, you automatically have our vote.
Hey McCain, I’ve got a little something to tell you. You called this one so wrong, because the Sisterhood does care about whether a candidate is qualified and most of us would rather have a Qualified Dick in office than an Unqualified Vagina. If it was a matter of being appeased by seeing you take the stage with someone wearing a skirt, a lot of us would have been happier if you’d shown up with Lieberman in drag. Some of us might have even considered voting for you if you'd shown that kind of bravery, rather than the tuck-tail pandering you've exhibited with this choice.
Because Palin? WTF?
I listened to her present her Vagina Monologue tonight at the GOP convention. She said all the right things to appease the base, to be sure. God, guns, God, military, God, offshore drilling, God, values, God tax breaks, God…God knows she excited the crowd, especially the Conservative Republican Vaginas. And I’m thinking she deserves some credit for that, if nothing else, because it probably takes a lot to excite a Conservative Republican Vagina.
McCain's Vagina Person Nominee didn’t say much about her experience, although she did highlight her term as a small town mayor. That’s cool. By her criteria the mayor of my town is qualified to be McCain’s running mate. We’d have to stuff him in a suit, of course, make him shave and take away his chewing tobacco. But once that was done he’d make a great addition to the ticket.
Wait...No he wouldn’t. He doesn’t have a Vagina. But Palin does, so despite the fact that she has zero experience in anything beyond running a state where moose outnumber people, that Vagina apparently makes her qualified to be one metastasized melanoma away from the Oval Office.
And that’s supposed to make all the other Vaginas happy enough to vote for McCain. Maybe to lock in the Vag Vote he’ll go even further and promise that when his swollen left gland explodes and Palin’s left in charge she can call her base of operations the Ovary Office.
And the world will be lovely then. With Palin at the helm we can finally take away that pesky right to choose so that Vaginas everywhere can start popping out babies, whether they want them or not. It doesn’t matter that the economy will still favor the rich. Conservative Vaginas - and Dicks - love the idea of babies - up until some of those little Gifts From God start needing money for things like food and health care.
If the babies do survive, their reward will be to go to school and learn all about how Jesus created the whole world in seven days and miracled humanity into existence, gloriously forming the first Vagina out of the rib of her master, Man. And because Palin favors teaching teenagers gun safety but is against sex-ed, they'll be taught how to handle the urge to hunt while being kept ignorant about how to handle the urge to hump. (Apparently it's mean to mention that her pregnant teen daughter could be a poster child for that philosophy, so I won't.)
Oh, but there’s that whole foreign threat thing. ....We didn't hear much about that tonight, for good reason. Dear God, if Palin is elected and we’re invaded please, please, please let it be by moose, since that’s about the only threat she’s proven herself capable of handling.
Wait..I’m wrong again. That Dick Steve Doocy of Fox News pointed out recently that Russia is next door to Alaska, which automatically means Sarah Palin has foreign policy experience. Seriously. He actually said that.
To which I thought, "It does?"
Come on, Republicans. Even I know better than that, and I’m just a Vagina.
Oh, and I wouldn't want you to forget what a nature lover she is. It seems she has a fondness for God's creatures, especially shooting them from planes: