Wednesday, September 03, 2008

McCain's Vagina


T
here are millions of Vaginas in the United States. John McCain only needed one. He could have had almost any Vagina he wanted. But he chose first-term Alaskan governor Sarah Palin’s.

Having a Vagina was apparently the only qualification needed for the position of Vagina Person - V.P. for short. With his choice, McCain demonstrated that as far as he’s concerned one Vagina is as good as the next. After all, in the Sacred Sisterhood of Vaginas, things like experience, policy positions and basic knowledge of foreign policy don’t matter. We can’t bother our pretty little heads with those things, not with all those cookies to bake.

We just need to know one thing: Do you, my dear, have a Vagina? You do? Well then, you automatically have our vote.

Not.

Hey McCain, I’ve got a little something to tell you. You called this one so wrong, because the Sisterhood does care about whether a candidate is qualified and most of us would rather have a Qualified Dick in office than an Unqualified Vagina. If it was a matter of being appeased by seeing you take the stage with someone wearing a skirt, a lot of us would have been happier if you’d shown up with Lieberman in drag. Some of us might have even considered voting for you if you'd shown that kind of bravery, rather than the tuck-tail pandering you've exhibited with this choice.

Because Palin? WTF?

I listened to her present her Vagina Monologue tonight at the GOP convention. She said all the right things to appease the base, to be sure. God, guns, God, military, God, offshore drilling, God, values, God tax breaks, God…God knows she excited the crowd, especially the Conservative Republican Vaginas. And I’m thinking she deserves some credit for that, if nothing else, because it probably takes a lot to excite a Conservative Republican Vagina.

McCain's Vagina Person Nominee didn’t say much about her experience, although she did highlight her term as a small town mayor. That’s cool. By her criteria the mayor of my town is qualified to be McCain’s running mate. We’d have to stuff him in a suit, of course, make him shave and take away his chewing tobacco. But once that was done he’d make a great addition to the ticket.

Wait...No he wouldn’t. He doesn’t have a Vagina. But Palin does, so despite the fact that she has zero experience in anything beyond running a state where moose outnumber people, that Vagina apparently makes her qualified to be one metastasized melanoma away from the Oval Office.

And that’s supposed to make all the other Vaginas happy enough to vote for McCain. Maybe to lock in the Vag Vote he’ll go even further and promise that when his swollen left gland explodes and Palin’s left in charge she can call her base of operations the Ovary Office.

And the world will be lovely then. With Palin at the helm we can finally take away that pesky right to choose so that Vaginas everywhere can start popping out babies, whether they want them or not. It doesn’t matter that the economy will still favor the rich. Conservative Vaginas - and Dicks - love the idea of babies - up until some of those little Gifts From God start needing money for things like food and health care.

If the babies do survive, their reward will be to go to school and learn all about how Jesus created the whole world in seven days and miracled humanity into existence, gloriously forming the first Vagina out of the rib of her master, Man. And because Palin favors teaching teenagers gun safety but is against sex-ed, they'll be taught how to handle the urge to hunt while being kept ignorant about how to handle the urge to hump. (Apparently it's mean to mention that her pregnant teen daughter could be a poster child for that philosophy, so I won't.)

Oh, but there’s that whole foreign threat thing. ....We didn't hear much about that tonight, for good reason. Dear God, if Palin is elected and we’re invaded please, please, please let it be by moose, since that’s about the only threat she’s proven herself capable of handling.

Wait..I’m wrong again. That Dick Steve Doocy of Fox News pointed out recently that Russia is next door to Alaska, which automatically means Sarah Palin has foreign policy experience. Seriously. He actually said that.

To which I thought, "It does?"

Come on, Republicans. Even I know better than that, and I’m just a Vagina.

UPDATE:

Oh, and I wouldn't want you to forget what a nature lover she is. It seems she has a fondness for God's creatures, especially shooting them from planes:



(Thanks to Laughing Wolf for the heads up on this.)

41 comments:

laughingwolf said...

exactly so, morg...

check out my blog as to why i, as a canuck, despise her...

i posted two letters i received in my email from 'defenders of wildlife', something she wants to rid the world of, wildlife, that is, other than her kid's wild sex life.... grrrrr

i'm all for sex, but bristol has no clue what it's about....

Andrea said...

Can't get enough of you writing about vagina, Morgan...in any context.

Anyway, my thoughts exactly. There's no way in hell Palin should be VP (or President after Viejo keels over). Not because she's a woman, but because she's a bloody idiot who doesn't know shit about history, science, or geopolitics.

It's been very interesting to see the religious reich suddenly become *totally cool* with the possibility of a female commander-in-chief though. Most enlightening. She can lead us in prayer!

Jim said...

I have to tell you: that is the most concise, accurate description of the situation I've seen.

As a life-long rationalist, I find the fundies particularly chafing, especially since they are trying to control my life with tax-free dollars, while I pay their share.

Hitchens and Dawkins have it perfectly: it's time to stop showing these people that special deference we reserve for those victims of mass psychosis called religion. I have started asking everyone I see wearing a crucifix, "What's the 't' stand for?"

More power to you, girl...

Jim

Christopher said...

I especially love how conservative vaginas believe in banning books. The other issues--all that God, guns, babies, trash the planet stuff--are extremely important to me as well and would be important enough of on their own, but banning books just hits a particular nerve with me.
There's been some debate about whether Bristol's pregnancy should or should not be an issue. Since Palin believes her policies on birth control and abortion will prevent teen pregnancies out of wedlock, I think it's a huge issue. It just goes to show how misguided and incompetent Palin is.

Andrea said...

Regarding the video: what exactly is that supposed to accomplish or prove, other than the hunters' contempt for nature? What is their reasoning behind this?

Morgan said...

Wuff, I checked it out and linked it. Like Andrea, I'm not sure what those kind of hunts are supposed accomplish beyond the potential Vagina Person's Biblical Mandate to take dominion over the earth. In the afterlife, I suppose we'll get brownie points if we show up with a bunch of bloody wolf paws.

Again, WTF?

And yes, this is a departure from my usual writings on Things Vaginal. Today I'm pondering the Political Vagina, and don't like what I see.

Jim, it is good to see you here. I got an email from the lovely Mrs. today and am hoping she will grace me with a guest column on this topic. And just so you know, the "t" stands for Totalitarianism. Verily.

Christoper, I share you disdain for the book-banners. But you know, knowledge can be frightening, especially to Bible-thumping, blue-haired Vaginas.

And Palin's daughter's pregnancy is SO an issue for just the reasons you stated. And personally I have to wonder about the kind of mother who is willing to see her daughter used as a political pawn. She had to know this kind of scrutiny would occur.

Tsk. Tsk.

Andrea said...

I wholeheartedly agree that Bristol's pregnancy is up for discussion. She is clearly not going to struggle with education, housing, employment, diapers, formula, and tons of baby supplies - but her mother's policies (and others who agree with her) are actively trying to make life harder for other young pregnant women...and all those soon-to-be little citizens.

I've read many of these discussions elsewhere and someone always pops up to say "OMGYOUHATEBABIES!!" But that isn't the case at all. Many of us were born to young mothers. And if one is going to oppose sex education and birth control and early terminations, the least you can do is help support the newborn and its mother. But that would be asking too much of the family values crowd.

And if she truly cared about her family's privacy, she would not have allowed all those cameras on them last night.

Andrea said...

Also, if Obama had a pregnant 17-yr old daughter with a wannabe-hardcore boyfriend who doesn't want to be a dad:

1. President McCain

2. We'd hear a lot about where Michele went wrong as a mom.

3. We'd hear a lot about black teenage girls and black teenage boys and the black family and...

Morgan said...

Oh, I agree Andrea. Holding some rich little Alaskan Princess up as an example of the typical pregnant teen is really, really unfair. Most girls who get pregnant young don't have the kind of support Bristol has. I mean, they have the same kind of issues that led them to seek validation from some loser boy, but in many cases the parents aren't willing or able to financially take in the baby once it's born.

I personally believe that this isn't Bristol's first baby and suspect that Trig is hers, too. Sarah Palin didn't announce her last pregnancy until she was allegedly seven months along and Bristol was kept out school for eight months with "mono" during the whole of her mother's reported pregnancy.

Religious people are usually the best at hiding their dirty laundry, and you're right that if this had been Obama's daughter there would be all kinds of snide aspersions about his race and their family values

This is all going to get very, very interesting.

thimscool said...

Such a crass decision... Caribou Barbie with her sexy librarian glasses and AR-15 accessories.

I still read over at VP, as well as several other conservative/libertarian sources. They're going ape for this woman in that demographic. She may have been a good choice for McCain to energize the part of the Republican base that would not show for this election.

I choose to ignore the abortion and gun right debates. For me it is all about geopolitics and about the policies that affect the supply and distribution of money.

While I can't condone socialism, I think we need to stop it at the corporate level first. Bank bail outs, military supply contracts, subsidies for large commodity producers, and the endless parade of cronies... this is what we need to fight.

Aside from some dubious notion that Palin is an anti-corruption candidate, I see no reason to believe that the Republicans will do anything other than use the power of government to enrich the already rich, and they'll call it "conservative values". Shame.

Morgan said...

I'm finally able to respond now that my vision has cleared from the tears of laughter over your "Caribou Barbie" line.

I checked over at Vox's too and am so impressed that he and the other WorldNutDaily rejects have embraced this woman. I mean, hasn't Vox always maintained that working women were living useless, pointless lives that could be better spent nurturing their children. And then to find she was a journalism major on top of that. I guess Vox has been inspired to become a limp-wristed joiner like McCain in his support of whoever says what he wants to hear.

Libertarian my ass. That guys got a Neo-Con ring in his nose just like the rest of them. At least it goes with the mohawk.

I completely agree with what you say about economics, but think the abortion issue is tied to it. More unwanted children are going to lead to more of a burden and - ironically - more of a need for some sort of socialized something. Conservatives want babies all over the place. But if you stop abortion those babies had better be born with tiny boostraps to pull themselves up by.

And Palin is not anti-corruption. She fired a government official for refusing to fire her brother-in-law. If she couldn't resist using her power to help out her sister's divorce, I doubt she'll be able to resist the temptation in any other area.

Andrea said...

Are you serious? I thought they didn't want women to have the right to vote, much less rule us from on high.

Morgan said...

Yeah, Andrea, it's just too funny, isn't it. A man who thinks women are too stupid to vote now seeing a female as the last best hopes for the nation.

The sad thing is, he actually wants people to see him as intelligent. But anyone who would fall for McCain's pandering reveals themselves to be about as intellectual as a mushroom.

Christopher said...

More unwanted children are going to lead to more of a burden and - ironically - more of a need for some sort of socialized something.
Morgan, I think you're missing part of the point here. Conservatives want to have their ideological cake and eat it too. They criticize unwed, teenage mothers and claim it's a result of bad parenting (which it may be) and insist those teenage mothers take care of themselves--unless of course one of them happens to be the daughter of a rich and prominent conservative. Then she's off-limits.
The problem is conservatives don't look at the problem and say, "What can we do?" They say, "Who's to blame?" And they'll blame minorities, schools, programs that provide assistance to single moms, or just "the government". Of course as long as they're being paid by lobbyists for large corporations that want big tax cuts, they can always fund those tax cuts by making assistance and prevention programs unpopular.

Morgan said...

I'm not missing the point. I never said that the conservatives would call for socialistic solutions to the problem of more unwanted children. The parents and more moderate to liberal elements of the community would.

The conservatives, as you point out, would decry the loose morals of the women no longer able to choose whether to have a baby or not.

You're exactly right that they want to have their cake and eat it to, which was the point I was trying to make. They want more women forced to have babies, they just don't want to deal with the consequences of that decree.

It's pretty f'ed up, isn't it.

Christopher said...

Yeah, and I get so het up about the whole thing I completely missed the point you were making.
What infuriates me is they don't want to take responsibility for the social burden of unwed, underage mothers, but they're more than happy to exploit it. When it's Barack Obama's mother they criticize her for being young and irresponsible. When it's Sarah Palin's daughter they call it a blessing and parade her and her boyfriend make big plans for a shotgun wedding. Palin wants the media to focus on her family when it's her son who's being deployed to Iraq, but when they mention her daughter they're being intrusive. It must be nice to be able to change the rules whenever it suits her.

Morgan said...

Well, duh! That's because Little White Babies are Gifts from God and Little Black Babies are warriors on the wrong side of the coming race war they secretly hope will take place.

Racists - and they come in all colors - don't really want to see the kind of unity that most of us hope this country will evolve to enjoy. They want divisiveness and suspicion to reign because as long as you have angry people they will always be looking for someone to lead them.

In the end, everything is about power, Chris. But you already know that.

laughingwolf said...

welcome hon... i'm with you on this, no question! grrrrrrr

vid shows her, and the "hunters'" utter contempt for living creatures!

THEY should be aerially hunted... and shot!

micky-t said...

Very well said, so much more flair than the average Palin Bash.

McCain and Palin seems like a joke to me.

Morgan said...

Thanks, Wuff, but don't let your passion get you in trouble. Assassination was still illegal the last time I checked, and even joking about such things online may not be a hot idea. So let's just wish McCain and Palin a swift yet painful political death, shall we.

Thanks, Micky-T. It's easy to rant, but more fun to rant creatively.

JohnR said...

Qualifications for president or VP: 35 years old and native born citizen.

"but because she's a bloody idiot who doesn't know shit about history, science, or geopolitics."

Pretty much eliminates everyone doesn't it, Andrea?

I don't plan on voting for either set of whack-jobs running but is Obama/Biden any better than McCain/Palin?

Thoughts on them?

Christopher said...

JohnR, do you really believe that Obama and Biden don't "know shit about history, science, or geopolitics"? Do you really believe that no one does? Your statement that ignorance of those subjects "pretty much eliminates everyone" suggests that, in fact, no one knows enough about those subjects to qualify for the position. It sounds as though you're projecting.
Obama and Biden do know quite a bit about history, science, and geopolitics, as I believe they've demonstrated. Obama believes in considering diplomacy before he starts bombing another country. His opponents call that "appeasement". There was a time, though, if you look at history, when the U.S. went to war only as a last resort, and only then after a great deal of sincere, honest debate.
Of course I realize what you've done is drawn us into a sucker argument. Being unable to provide any claim of qualifications for Palin, you throw out a false claim that Obama and Biden are equally unqualified and treat it as though it's a confirmed fact. Just because you call it gold doesn't change the fact that it's bullshit.

JohnR said...

Christopher: Glad I got your panties in a wad.

I don't support Palin and yes, I believe the Empty Suit and the Bloviator don't know enough about history, economics, geopolitics, science, etc. (I note that you offered no proof of their experience. A claim that Obama will pursue diplomacy is not proof.)

They have the entire history of the Earth laid out before them like a road map and they will still take wrong turns.

Obama will continue the war and if Bush leaves him with a war in Iran, he will continue it. He would be stuck with winning it so he will not be seen as a loser.

When he gets into office, the promises he made will not be fulfilled. He will have one disappointed electorate. He lies like ALL politicians.

I also believe Obama will win.

PS: Read up on America's involvement in foreign wars. We do not enter into war as a last resort. We choose our sides in advance and supply material and aid until we have to join the fighting. We sided against Germany well before we entered both WWI and WWII. We also did not have a problem looking for a fight in the Spanish-American War, in Central America, South America, the Philippines, and Iran in 1952.

We also cheerfully sold out Eastern Europe and England (to dismantle the British Empire).

This country has been seeking empire for the last 110 years.

laughingwolf said...

agreed... speaking metaphorically, i was....

Christopher said...

JohnR, I always enjoy having my panties in a wad.
You have a point that my saying that Obama and Biden believe in diplomacy while the Man in the Edgar Suit and the Little Dictator believe in bombing first (as well as bombing later) is not evidence of experience.
However you still ignored my point that your own comment, "Pretty much eliminates everyone doesn't it, Andrea?" demonstrates a belief that no one can know enough to qualify for the position of VP. I doubt this is really what you meant, though. This idea of "experience", however, has become so heavily loaded in this campaign in spite of the fact that most of the people using it didn't care about George Bush's lack of experience.
And, yes, Obama is a politician. I make no claims to him being perfect, and I don't believe he'll be able to keep even the most modest of his promises. As usual this election isn't about history so much as it is about the lesser of two evils. When McCain and Palin talk about limiting civil rights, the rights of women and minorities, and starting more wars and calling it all change for the better, I find myself backing Obama by default. Even if it's only rhetoric, at least his rhetoric offers a reasonable alternative.

Morgan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Morgan said...

I know, Wuff. I just didn't want you to be walking down the streets minding your own beeswax and look up to see Palin's government-issued-helicopter bearing down on you, armed and prepared to take out the threat.
You are, after all, my most favorite Wolf.

Morgan said...

JohnR, one of the things I like about Obama is that as a former constitutional law professor, he has actually read the constitution, and respects it.

That makes him a far sight better than Bush or McSame. And with Palin's prospective influence the Neo-Cons are already rubbing their hands in glee at the chance to increase warrantless snooping on the citizenry.

I do agree with your assessment on our nation's history of sticking its fingers into conflicts since way back. The U.S. has always been into empire building, and has a record of making enemies and acting all puzzled about why other nations hate us.

No, they don't hate us because we're free. They hate us because we're arrogant meddlers.

Which really, in my mind, is a great reason to put someone in charge who can help us curb, if not end the practices that lead to such perceptions. Ron Paul would have done this best, but Obama will do it better than McCain.

As to whether Obama will win, I wish I could share your enthusiasm, JohnR, but I don't. The fundies are like a nest of hornets and they'll be out in droves to vote. Say what you want about right-wingers, they are excellent mobilizers.

9:05 AM

thimscool said...

McCain's Brain.

Morgan said...

OH MY GOD, Luke. That was hysterical.
"You'll serve. Oh, yes. You'll serve."

Here's one for you. My friend Jim sent it to me this morning:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7acdvJegOY

JohnR said...

"...one of the things I like about Obama ...he has actually read the constitution, and respects it."

Oh, Morgan, I just love your dry sense of humor.

He will give lip service to it like all politicians while blithely ignoring it as much as possible.

Now, if Ron Paul was running I would probably only be half as cynical.

Morgan said...

JohnR, I do have to admit I was extremely disappointed that Obama reversed himself on the warrantless wiretapping vote, but don't think he'll continue to build on the erosion of our freedoms as much as McCain would do.

The NeoCons have used the specter of terrorism to snatch as many rights from us as they can, telling us all the while that the more the government is allowed to pry the safer we'll be.

As Christopher points out, Obama - while far from perfect - is the lesser of the two evils.

JohnR said...

"lesser of the two evils."

That is like saying "would you rather be shot in the back of the head (quick and less evil)or dipped slowly in a vat of acid (slow and more evil)."

Less evil is still evil.

Obama will backtrack even more.

I am still waiting for the middle-class tax cut Clinton promised in 1992 and rescinded even before he took office.

That was one vote I wanted back and the last time I voted Democrat.

JohnR said...

Oh, by the way, excellent post.

I was starting to wonder if you were wandering off into "Mommy blogging" but I see the claws are still sharp.

A little acid now and then...

Morgan said...

I don't think he's less evil, JohnR, and I'll tell you why.

Palin is a certifiable Religious Nut who thinks the Iraq war and so-called War on Terror is a "task from God."

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080903/ap_on_el_pr/cvn_palin_iraq_war

The thing about Religious Nuts is that they believe God's law supercedes man's law, JohnR, and if she really thinks God has mandated us to defeat Islam or terrorism or whatever, she and anyone else in a leadership role will easily justify a continued eroding of our freedom for this Greater Good.

And yes, I know that she's not at the top of the ticket, but McCain is old and has had four bouts of cancer. It's not inconceivable that Palin could end up as President in the next four years.

And yes, I know that I've been doing way too much Mommy Blogging and have been wanting to get back into more of the current event stuff, but there rarely seems to be time because of work, our riding schedule and the Mommy Stuff I've been doing.

Given how busy I've been, I wouldn't even have time to be V.P, not that I was asked. I guess my Vagina wasn't good enough.

Oh, and thanks for the compliment about the post. It's fun to sharpen the claws now and then.

Citizen of Earth said...

Well said

I just hope more people are paying attention and arent going to vote simply on gender.

Morgan said...

Yeah, Bobb, but conservatives have a herd mentality and tend to vote as One. That worries me. I'm afraid Obama voters might be too dependent on people making a logical choice and not go to the polls - unrealistic expectations of their fellow man and all that.

I don't think Obama will win unless his supporters really get out to vote.

Christopher said...

I used to worry because The Daily Show seemed like the only place where you could find really genuine journalistic criticism, but now I feel MUCH better that a major trade magazine is following suit. Unfortunately it's Mad Magazine...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bryan-young/exclusive-imadi-magazines_b_123683.html

Morgan said...

Haha, Christopher. My favorite quote on that poster was the Bill Clinton one.

Jim said...

"No, they don't hate us because we're free. They hate us because we're arrogant meddlers."

god I love that. With your permission, I'll rotate it among my many signatures.

Morgan said...

Feel free to use anything I say, Jim. So many people think I'm full of shit. It's nice to have a person who actually wants to quote me. ;-)