Friday, August 15, 2008

This is so gay...

I really don't understand men one bit. Take my husband as a shining example.

He knows I write erotica, and has even read some of it. What he hasn't read I've talked about. And in my dubious line of work I sometimes show him other stuff that I consider highly erotic, like some YouTube videos I found awhile back of a British show called Sugar Rush that doesn't play in the states. For those of you unaware of the series, it's about a young lesbian girl coming of age in a highly dysfunctional family. It's pretty graphic, very hot and I'm just heartsick that I can't rent it to watch here.

Larry was cool with the Sugar Rush videos, so of course I was puzzled when he was rifling through my desk the other day and flipped out when he came across some gay erotica. Gay male erotica.

Let me interrupt by saying that no one - and I do mean no one - should rifle through my desk unless they want to be shocked. If you pick up something off my desk and start reading, that's just asking for it. It'd be like waking through a field of land mines and then acting all indignant when your legs get blown off.

But the next thing I know there's Larry, mouth agape as he leafs through some the homoerotic Harry Potter fan-fiction my friend April had given me.

I guess there's no accounting for taste, huh? And I forgave him for not having any, because while I'm no fan of Snape/Harry, Draco/Harry, Dumbledore/Ron or any of the other possible pairings, some of it is really well written. And this was some of the hottest erotica, - gay, straight or sideways - that I'd ever read.

"What is this? Why do you have this?" he asked.

I shrugged. "It's hot," I said.

"No it's not!" he said. "This is sick!"

I snatched it out of his hand. "Well don't look at it, then!" Geesh. That's the advice I give to anyone who objects to porn. You'd think my husband would have sense enough to know that already. But whatever.

OK, so fast forward to today. My friend April is super, super nice to me. Not only does she copy gay porn she thinks I'll like and give it to me as a gift, but she also gives me advice whenever my goats are sick. If there was ever an all-around good and useful friend, it's April.

So when I decided to make my own foray into fan-fiction, she sprang to mind. Like me, she loves Harry Potter. Actually, I think she loves him even more. So I thought, why not do a gay parody video and dedicate it to her?

Here's the premise: Harry Potter enters Hogwarts unaware that the place is just run amuck with gayness. Right away everyone starts hitting on him, from the professors to fellow students like Draco Malfoy. All this is quite confusing to Harry; he wants to fit in, after all. Then Snape comes to his room one night and suggests Harry spy on Neville Longbottom who is not only totally gay but totally comfortable with it. So does Harry leave, or is he inspired by Neville to stay and become the school's next Gay Superstar? You'll have to watch to find out.

Here's the video, and I think it's a damn fine first attempt if I do say so myself. And funny, too. Or maybe that's just me.



I couldn't wait to show Larry when he got home. Of course, he was like, "Did you do anything else today?"

Well, duh. I also wrote some porn. He can be so ridiculous at times. Of course paying porn comes before the parody. Everybody knows that.

He watched the video and frowned. "What's wrong with you?" he asked me, even though he knows I get sick of people asking me that all the time. "What's with you and this gay stuff?"

"You mean like Sugar Rush?" I asked. "You didn't seem to mind Sugar Rush. You thought it was hot."

"That's different," he said. "This is turning the tables."

Exsqueeze me?

I pointed out that some people would consider lesbian or gay porn to be turning the tables - on heterosexuality. But it seems that for men, the only acceptable gayness is between two hot chicks.

But no matter, different strokes for different folks, I guess. Maybe there is something wrong with me, but at least I don't discriminate.


54 comments:

Andrea said...

It's *all* good. Tell your hubby that your dorky bookish bisexual blogger friend said so. Lotsss of us gals like to ponder (and view) cute guys going at it.

April rules!

Your desk sounds cool to me. Talk about sweet spots.

Oh yeah, and I don't even know much about Harry Potter, but the video rocked :)

Morgan said...

Thank you, Andrea. You are exactly why I have unusual friends. Normal people just don't appreciate me anymore. I just love you.

laughingwolf said...

damn that's funny, morg... you GOT the knack! ;) lol

Morgan said...

Thanks, Wuff. It's great fun; now I just need to find a way to make money at it.

Andrea said...

The feeling is mutual, kittycat. All things considered, I think I'm kinda dull. Maybe I'm just used to me.

I'm still boggled that you thought I might not like this. lol Rest assured, I'm all about the tingly naughty bits.

Morgan said...

Andrea,
I suspect you are many things, but dull is not one of them

Andrea said...

I couldn't ask for a higher compliment.

laughingwolf said...

$$$ is a great motivator! :)

andrea, you are FAR from dull....

Christopher said...

Gosh, I feel so hip because I knew about slash fiction even before Harry was a mad gleam in J.K. Rowling's eye...but the whole Kirk/Spock thing never really did it for me. Well, as my grandfather used to say, that's why they make chocolate AND vanilla. And for people like me they make Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra. But I digress.
I always knew Gilderoy Lockhart was gay (the guy's favorite color is LILAC after all) and for a while I thought I was the only person who took the news that Dumbledore is gay in stride. But now you've got my mind buzzing with possible gay subtexts. The ghosts of Hogwarts live an alternative existence, for instance, and it's rare for the living to be invited to their parties. And Professor Lupin (who pretty much ties with Mad-Eye Moody for my favorite character--I've been both Moody and a werewolf for Halloween) lives a secret life. He's forced to resign from Hogwarts because parents wouldn't want someone like him teaching their children. Why didn't I cotton on to that before? And then there's Malfoy. It should've been obvious that, blonde and effeminate as he is, he never goes anywhere without Crabbe and Goyle. And then there's Snape. All those years he was supposedly carrying a torch for Lily. Could it really have been James, though?
I've gotta stop this, but only because I'm in danger of dropping too many spoilers.

Morgan said...

Christopher, you are so cool. I just want to like....spend the night with your brain or something. It is so refreshing to come across a guy who doesn't think a appreciation for a bit of slash means he's gay.

I have no objection whatsoever to watching or reading about good looking people getting it on, regardless of gender. Of course, I just exposed my obvious bias. They do have to be physically appealing. Just the thought of that naked wrestling scene in Borat still makes my left eye twitch.

Ditto on what you said about Lockhart. You just know he spent his spare time in a thong dancing to show tunes.

And Dumbledore is Wizard Gay, which is the coolest kind of gay. Like Gandalf the Gay. Or was that Gandalf the Gray. No matter. They're both magically delicous, I'm sure.

But Snape? You're treading on thin ice there owing to my long-standing crush on Alan Rickman. I blogged about it once, complete with photos of Rickman doing what Rickman does - being off-the-charts hot - and left the post up until Thimscool threw a Rumpelstiltskin-style blog-fit and demanded I move on to some other topic.

And I'm glad I"m not the only one who dresses up as Potter characters. Larry and I were Sirius and Bellatrix last Halloween. I even have a YouTube video of our costumes. Just do a search on YouTube of my ID, keeperofowls.

Andrea said...

Glad to see all the blog love here...and to know that I brought two white-hot minds together makes me all warm and fuzzy. What other mad pairings can I come up with...

Morgan said...

As long as it's not Snape and some other guy. Or some other woman. Because he is mine. ;-)

Christopher said...

Morgan, flattery will get you everywhere. But I promise not to speculate any more about Snape. I'll stick with Gandalf...although, really, when it comes to Middle Earth, while there may have been a subtext in Sam and Frodo's relationship, but it was pretty blatant between a couple of fair-haired party boys who just happened to be named Merry and Pippin.
And I've seen that footage of you and your husband as an amazing Sirius and Bellatrix. I just wish I'd been at that party in full Moody gear. I did go to a party, but mostly just frightened a lot of small children. I promise I didn't turn any of them into ferrets, even though I was seriously tempted.

Andrea said...

So what do you have in mind for this Halloween, Morg? Can you give us a hint? Crazy to think that it's almost that freaky time of year again.

Morgan said...

Gay Hobbitry is a beautiful thing. Next to two hot chicks all tied up and doing it, guy-on-guy hobbit sex is the most natural thing in the world. Not even Larry could disagree with that.

I'm glad you liked the video, Christopher. There was a depressing shortage of other Potter characters downtown when we went out. By "depressing shortage" I mean we were the ONLY ones. You know you're desperate when you get a four-pound chihuahua to stand in for the Dark Lord.

Andrea, per my Halloween costume: Three words - Vampire Wedding Party. I found the most sensational dress at a thrift store - fitted bodice, lace-up front, low neckline. The minute I saw it I knew what our Halloween plans were going to be. Larry's going to be my goulish groom, Alex is going to be the flower girl (carrying dead roses) Jessica is going to be my bridesmaid (I may have to reprise her Dead Prom Queen outfit) Wes is going to be the zombie best man. And Lucas is going to be the ringbearer. The ring will be carried on a pillow, as tradition dictates. But outside the parameters of tradition it will be attached to a severed finger.
We are seriously planning to renew our vows that night if we can find someone to do it.
Then it will be Vampire Second Honeymoon time. And no, I will NOT be putting that part on YouTube.

Andrea said...

holy shit, that sounds sweet

*deep bow before the vampire queen*

as for the honeymoon....our loss :(

Morgan said...

Yeah, it is your loss. The hobbits I got for Larry object to being filmed in "the act."

Lu' said...

Funny. I thought it was good Morgan. I can only assume your hubby's gripe is the guy on guy because I love Harry Potter and I don't have a problem with it. GEEZE it is a porn joke video. You've got to be able to laugh at shit or what the hel... I myself find gal on gal much hotter than guy on guy. Hottest though is guy on gal. Just a couple too I don't all these bodies intermingling and just confusing the issue HA!

Morgan said...

Thanks, Lu'.

Larry's gripe is definitely with the gayness, not Potter He's not what I would call a fan, but he likes the movies well enough and loved the books, which I read aloud to him and the kids whenever we travelled.

Being primarily of the hetero-persuasion I too prefer male on female action. I found the girl on girl stuff in Sugar Rush to run a close second, though, and have ordered Season One of Queer as Folk from Netflix. I'm eager to see where the guy-on-guy scenes rank visually. So far, the homoerotic stuff I've enjoyed has all been the written word. So we shall see.

Andrea said...

If you choose to set up a private blog for the erotic stuff, you know you'd have at least a few satisfied & loyal readers.

Morgan said...

You know, I have two blogs set aside for just that purpose but I've never actually set them up. I might do it if there's enough interest.

Christopher said...

It sounds like there could be enough interest. I keep smacking myself in the forehead for not bringing up Daniel Radcliffe's stage performance in Equus--you know, the one where he showed the world he ain't a gelding. But perhaps we'd better not go there.
Those Halloween costumes sound amazing. I've alwas thought no Halloween party is complete without a couple of bloodsuckers, but not everyone wants to invite lawyers to their party. Oh yeah, vampires are fun too.

Morgan said...

Christopher, I think April had that shot of Radcliffe as wallpaper on her computer. The boy can brag about more than magic, it would seem.
I think I will do the two blogs. I'll let everyone know when i get them going. I can't promise the contributions will be all that frequent, but it will be fun. And it will be by invitation only, with the first two invites going out to you and Andrea. :-)

Morgan said...

Oh, and no lawyers for Halloween. Too creepy.

Andrea said...

We are a couple of horny toads, so don't hold back.

Lu' said...

I think the written homoerotic, ha that's a funny word, is more stimulating possibly because you are able to soften(but only in the right places) the visual somewhat in your own mind.

Christopher said...

Or perhaps because you're able to project whatever you'd most like to see. The brain is our largest and most powerful erogenous zone. There is definitely something stimulating about the written word for just that reason.
I love that expression they had in the 18th Century: "books to be read with one hand".

Morgan said...

Haha, Christopher. Books to be read with one hand. You know what they say, though. There's more sex between your ears than there is between your legs.

Lu', I think what you said may apply to any erotica, not just the homoerotic stuff. At least it does for me. Sex is only dirty if its done right.

mitzibel said...

Bust magazine has a monthly feature called "The One-Handed Read" ;)

That video was fabulous. Creepy, but wonderful.

Personally, I rarely like male homoerotica. Probably because most of the males contained therein are just too pretty. If I want to read a sexy description of someone with long glossy hair, limpid eyes and pouting lips, I'll read about some hot chick, you know? Although I admit my experience of erotica is limited; my imagination is quite active and agile, it's usually plenty for me.

Your husband needs to chill, though. Snooping around a writer's desk is like poking around inside someone's brain without permission. You don't get to be offended by what you find there since you shouldn't have been in there in the first place.

I do enjoy slash fiction for the humor factor, though, especially when the author isn't taking themself seriously. About five years ago I stumbled across a piece of extremely well-written and gorgeously-described slash starring Voldemort and George W. Bush. And, of course, the Spock/Kirk/NIN video is the coolest thing ever put up on YouTube :)

Morgan said...

Voldemort and Bush??? I want!!!!
I've always wanted to see Voldemort bang some Bush.

Christopher said...

Morgan, you may be disappointed--things are probably the other way around. Think about it: Voldermort speaks in a high, lispy voice and spends most of his time hanging out with someone named Wormtail. It doesn't sound like he's the one who'd be doing the banging.
Wait a minute...they're both beady-eyed megalomaniacs who are helpless without some little fat bald guy with an overbite protecting them...why didn't I see this before?

Morgan said...

LOL, Christopher. Can someone actually die laughing? I hope not because if so your comment has put me in mortal danger.
Maybe Voldemort and Bush are the same person, which would make Mitzibel's suggested reading a masturbation fantasy.

Anonymous said...

Why Larry might be upset?

Two words.

Fag Hag.

Morgan said...

Anon,

I was informed once by an Actual Fag (his words, not mine) that the criteria for being a Fag Hag are as follows:

1) You must talk to your Fag at least once a day.

2.) You must spend so much time with your Fag that if he goes out without you, his friends instantly ask where you are.

Alas, while I have gay friends I do not meet he criteria for being their Hag, not that there would be anything wrong with it if I did.

mitzibel said...

How strange. I leave that comment, open my mailbox, and someone has sent me a link to "The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fanfiction."

Consipiracy, I say.

http://www.cracked.com/article_16554_5-most-baffling-sex-scenes-in-history-fanfiction.html

Morgan said...

Conspiracy, Mitzibel? I think not. I think God wanted us to read this. And you are His messenger.
Verily.

Christopher said...

Anonymous may have a point, since celebrity fag hags often get their own reality TV shows. Would Larry really want to see himself on the E! network? I can just imagine the promos: "This season on Barebacking Morgan takes on learning to jump, and helps special guest star Gavin MacLeod get over his fear of snakes--with a real live rattlesnake!"
You can't blame the guy for not wanting to be part of that.

Morgan said...

Christopher, my comment section is much more entertaining these days thanks to you.
My relationship with Larry has withstood a lot - hurricanes, federal raids, natural childbirth - but I don't think Larry could put up with being publicly known as Mr. Fag Hag.

mitzibel said...

Federal raids? *Do* tell!! Throw in some dirty bits and it can be the debut story on your new porn site!!!!

Morgan said...

It was in the 90's and was added to the list of another reasons I Hate Government/Cops/Authority, etc.

If I wrote a story with a fed in it I'm afraid it would take all my willpower not to turn it into a snuff piece.

thimscool said...

I'm not a big fan of slash fiction, of any sort. Whatevah floats your boat, I guess. But I could never give full marks to such a derivative art form.

An author should ideally be solely responsible for the creation and description of their characters and worlds (unless they are purposefully collaborating with other artists/authors).

JohnR said...

Federal Raid?!?!?

C'mon Morgan. Give it up.

You don't have to give a blow-by-blow just the highlights.

Morgan said...

My take on that is a little different, Luke. The Potter characters have spawned a massive fan fiction following. As a writer, I'd be completely flattered by the fact that my fans' enthusiasm for interpreting the characters has taken on a life of its own. So long as people aren't getting commercial gain from it, what's the harm?

Morgan said...

JohnR, it was back in the middle '90's. Larry was just one of the targets of a huge reptile dealer sting that was similar to the federal falconry sting of the 80's. The feds were pretty sure that anyone who bred or sold reptiles was illegally importing protected animals. They started busting people left and right and leaning on them for names. And people were giving them to stay out of trouble, even if the people they "gave up" were guilty of anything or not.
Larry's name got thrown in there and without our knowing we were put under investigation. We were raided one summer day and got the full treatment - handcuffed in our own living room, bedrooms trashed, furniture thrown around etc. I don't know what protected reptiles they thought they'd find in my lingerie drawer but one agent spent some time going through it.
They finally let us go and later Larry was brought up on charges based on - and I am NOT making this up - completely manufactured and false evidence that included pictures of animals we never had or saw.

He was going to fight, but the lawyer said when it was the feds against one person the feds always won. He advised us to plead and Larry did, so for some time Larry was considered an Enemy of the United States until his probation came to an end.

To this day for that - and other really disturbing reasons that occurred long before I met Larry - I'm deeply mistrustful of cops and anyone else associated with the government.

Anyone who thinks they are truly free in this country was never targeted. And any of us can be targeted for any reason, like it or not.

So there you go....

Morgan said...

Oh, one more thing, JohnR. What made this all so ironic is that Larry is the most boringly law-abiding person I've ever met. You couldn't even pay the man to jaywalk. He's my total opposite. I'd break a rule for grins, now more than ever as the chip on my shoulder has exponentially grown since the 90's.

Andrea said...

Outrageous. Sounds like the clueless feds from "Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay."

thimscool said...

What a mess. There are obviously some areas where the Federal Government is not only necessary, but desirable. But the nature of organizations is that they tend to consolidate and expand their powers, often in stark contradiction to their original mission.

It happens gradually, and is subject to manipulation by lobbyists, profiteers, and megalomaniacs. But the power expansion almost always comes from the best of intentions. The next one is going to be nationwide health insurance. I've got mixed feelings about that idea. But the laws that worry me most are the ones that enable violent enforcement.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about Larry's case. And I'm even sorrier to hear his lawyer's advice. It may be hard to sue the sovereign, but you should damn sure be able to defend your innocence against it. What's done is done... I'm just afraid that it'll keep happening.

~~~

As for the slash fiction, I freely admit that this is a subjective matter, and that by my own words you could justify Rowling's fan fiction as intentionally collaborative and symbiotic. My wife is a fan, too.

Nevertheless, it is tripe. You may get people to buy it like dim sum or chitins; but it is still tripe. Such is my decree.

Citizen of Earth said...

I just don’t seem to find much interest in pondering the gayness of fictional characters
I have no problem with others doing so
Even find their ideas entertaining
I am not the vanilla type, but I’m not sure even Ben & Jerry have a flavor to describe me…

That said, I just wanted to make two points
First – About Larry
It is entirely possible than he is conflicted by his staunch heterosexuality and a desire to please you and indulge your every fantasy
Don’t be too hard on him

Second – About the disparity between the acceptance of male and female homosexuality…
This is a complex issue so forgive me for generalizing

I believe that many male issues surrounding intimacy, sexuality, violence, and inhibitions can be traced to a single cultural paradox.

For centuries, men have been expected to commit murder in the name of the state, when nationalism determines it necessary to go to war.
Only we don’t call it murder, we think of it as justifiable homicide.
The trouble is, that murder is never morally justifiable.
The emotional scarring that comes from this goes way beyond the trite labels we have begun to pin on it, such as PTSD.

Young boys grow up in this society with the knowledge that at any time they could be called upon to go to war, to kill or be killed.

We talk a lot about the impossible image women are supposed to live up to in modern society, and the harmful psychological effects this has, playing itself out in things like eating disorders and low self esteem.

We don’t however speak of the emotional disparity involved in asking our young men to go to war and kill fellow human beings in the name of Nationalism, only to return home to be loving sensitive husbands and fathers…

Morgan said...

Andrea, they really are a lot like the parodies portray them, especially in terms of attitude - a lot of cockiness, but in a schoolyard bully sort of way. And quite inept. But you don't have to be any investigative genius if you can just manufacture evidence if you don't find what you're looking for.

Morgan said...

Andrea, they really are a lot like the parodies portray them, especially in terms of attitude - a lot of cockiness, but in a schoolyard bully sort of way. And quite inept. But you don't have to be any investigative genius if you can just manufacture evidence if you don't find what you're looking for.

Morgan said...

Believe me, Luke, Larry wrestled long and hard with the decision to plead. He really wanted to fight it because he WAS innocent. But when the prospect of jail is looming over snakes of all things then you have to weigh the cost of resistance against the outcome. And I share your concern about national health coverage. We have to do something; I believe health coverage is a right. But as a homeschooler I'm aware of the dangers of mandates, especially when some bureaucrat decides there's only one way to follow The Plan. I know how scary it is to read about homeschoolers arrested or threatened with the loss of their kids over their educational choices; I'd hate to see parents threatened with the same actions because they refuse to submit their child to a treatment the government requires, like that short-sighted cervical cancer "vaccine" that has turned out to be quite dangerous.

Per your other comment, the cool thing about writing of any kind is that the worth - or lack of - is entirely in the eye of the reader. When everyone was going ga-ga over the Divinci Code I tried reading it and found it so poorly written that I couldn't get through the first chapter. But as the sales figure show, one person's tripe is another person's Best Read Ever. My mother-in-law, who has a Masters in English, loved the Divinci Code.
So I'm not offended that you think fan fiction is tripe; we hardly have to like the same thing and I've read enough to know there are a lot of promising writers out there who's ambitions go no further than paying homage to a certain boy wizard. It's been my pleasure to find them and see the twist they put on the series.

As an aside, though, for a really spectacular grown-up alternative to Potter, read "Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell." It was Susanna Clark's first novel and it is simply stunning. A second book could have been made from the entertaining footnotes alone.

Morgan said...

Oh gosh, Bobb. I'm so glad to see your comment. I completely agree with you about boys and girls. Everyone goes on and on about how hard girls have it but there are just as many stereotypical expectations for boys than there are of girls. I was somewhere recently -- I think it was the playground or the park and this little kid fell and started crying. His brother admonished him to stop acting "gay." So even early on boys are taught that suppressing emotions = ACCEPTABLE and expressing emotions =BAD. And BAD=GAY. It was just a fleeting moment, but supplied some of the mortar, I'm sure, for the framework of that little boy's psyche.

Girls aren't treated like that. We hug and kiss each other when we fall, which is why displays of affection probably *are* seen as more natural.

And then, as you pointed out, little boys realize that their government sees them as potential warriors and no, that doesn't help.

As for Larry, I think he was just generally surprised. Since that incident, he's joked a bit with me about my odd preferences. We were kidding around one night when I wasn't in the mood and he said, "I guess I'll need to go out and look for some strange." To which I replied, "Well, good luck finding anything as strange as I am." ;-)

Christopher said...

Working in a library has taught me to mistrust the government, especially since they've now granted themselves the power to look at peoples' library records. This is in spite of the fact that no one's library record is going to tell the government anything that would be even remotely useful or relevant to a criminal investigation.
To throw another log on the slash fiction debate, though, whenever I hear talk about authorial originality I remember that works like The Odyssey and The Metamorphoses weren't "original"; Homer and Ovid took stories they knew and told them in their own words. I know comparing these works to slash fiction seems like a big stretch, but both examples are a reminder that art isn't created in a vacuum. Artists inspire each other (and sometimes steal from each other). Sometimes art imitates life, sometimes life imitates art, and sometimes art imitates art.

Morgan said...

Thanks, Christopher. Such good points both about government intrusion and fan fiction. After reading your comments I was thinking of all the books I've read that were obviously inspired by the works of Tolkein and CS Lewis. I mean, they are myriad! When you think about it, those imitators - as you point out - were the earliest purveyors of fan fiction, they just renamed the elves and dwarves and sorcerers and evil overlords and whatnot.

All writers, I believe, are prone - perhaps subconsciously or not - to adopt the style of writers they revere. So even if characters aren't copied, syntax and plot development sometimes are. Which means there's a LOT of tripe out there when you think about it.