Saturday, March 08, 2008

I don't like Paul

I really don't have a good reason. I just don't like him. I don't like anything about him. I don't like the way he walks, I don't like the look of his face, I don't like the sound of his voice. I don't like it when he breathes, especially when he comes in the house. I don't like sharing my oxygen with him. I don't like Paul.

Maybe I should feel bad for not liking Paul since I like most everyone else. My husband likes Paul. They hit it off as soon as they met a year or so ago. Paul had moved down here from somewhere up north with his wife, who I do like. But not enough to like Paul by association.

If I liked Paul, he and his wife and Larry and I would probably couples date or something, which would suit Paul and Larry fine. They call each other every day (gay). I can tell Larry's talking to Paul because of a.) the friendly tone of his voice and b.) the sound of Paul's on the other line. Paul talks loudly, so loudly that I can hear him from across the car. Yap, yap, yap. Oh, and he can't pass Larry on the road without calling to ask what he's doing. (More gay.)

Today Paul came over. I didn't invite him, and Larry didn't even tell me he was coming over until he was already up the walk because Larry knows I don't like Paul and would have started piling furniture against the door if I'd been given a warning.

"I'm going to have him look at the washer," Larry said by way of explanation. Our washer died last week and Larry thought Paul might be able to help us fix it. Paul probably claimed that he could, because he's a know-it-all, and Larry believed him. (Uber gay)

"Can't we just buy a new washer instead?" I asked. Larry rolled his eyes.

When Paul walked in with that stupid shuffling gait (which probably looks like a normal gait to anyone else) I pretended to be doing something at the computer. Paul, sensing that I was ignoring him, did what he always does. He spoke to me.

"You're getting skinny," he said. "You look good. If you ever decide to leave your old man, give me a call."

"Yeah, you'd be the first person I'd call," I said in my Most Sarcastic Tone. What I wanted to say was if he was he last man on earth and I was the last woman and the survival of the human race depended on our procreating, I'd shove a stick of dynamite in my twat and light the fuse before I'd even think about having sex with him. But I didn't get the chance. He and Larry had gone into the garage to check on the washer. I could hear Larry laughing. He thought it was funny that Paul had hit on me, since I've made it clear how much I dislike the guy.

A few minutes later Larry and Paul walked back in. My cat Jingles was on the table. Paul started petting her. "Nice cat," he said. I went over and picked her up. I didn't want Paul touching my cat. I dropped Jingles on the living room couch before opening a window to let in air to replace the oxygen Paul had been breathing.

Paul started talking to me again, so I picked up the phone and pretended to talk to someone else. I don't know if he noticed it hadn't even rung. I didn't care. A few moments later Larry and Paul were talking again and then they were gone. I breathed a sigh of relief, wiped my cat down with a disinfectant wipe and sprayed the house with Lysol to rid it of all the Paul Germs that were flying around.

I was so glad he was gone. I mean, it's not his fault that I think he's creepy but I just do. Larry likes him enough for the both of us, which is fine with me. He can talk to him on the phone or the yard all he wants but I'd prefer the guy not come in the house, hitting on me, breathing my oxygen and petting my cat. I know I shouldn't deliberately be rude, but in his case I really can't help myself. Maybe it's chemical, maybe it's extrasensory. Maybe, like I said, there's no reason at all. Regardless, I don't like Paul.

10 comments:

laughingwolf said...

i know THAT feeling well, but gotta confess... on first thought, this election season for my american brothers and sisters, i thunk ye meant the OTHER paul... y'know RON! ;) lol ... i caught on relatively soon, though!

Morgan said...

No, (Ron) Paul is fine. Glad you figured out I wasn't talking about him.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you don't like Paul because of how your husband and he hit it off so obviously well. I know my wife and many others I know very often have a problem if they think that they're not going to be the one and only emotional center of our world. the thing that makes me say this is how you insert the word "gay" around all of their interactions.

Morgan said...

No, that's not it. Larry has a lot of friends, and Paul isn't his closest. We named our daughter after his best friend Alex and when Alex lived down here before moving away the two of them hung out all the time.

Per the "emotional center" thing, I don't want to be that for anyone. I was once with a man who wanted that and didn't care for it. Far too much pressure, and very unrealistic. One of the things I like about being with Larry is that neither of us require that of the other.

No, with Paul it's something else. He's just....blech.

Roland said...

Maybe its the way he looks at you and hits on you.
It might be that you are bothered by some extra sensory thing.
It might be that you're over-reacting.
I'd honestly say that being rude won't help. And for heaven's sake don't put dynamite there!!! Unless of course you and Larry use that as a pet name or something. Then it's okay. ;)

Be cautious, but kind. And as much as it might make you go into some sort of panic attack, try to imagine having him and his wife over sometime. After all, if she likes him, he might just be likable. Feel her out (not that way, shame on you) and see what she likes about him.
If she says something like, "Well, he's really good at swinging (okay, now's when to think like that), then you have an answer."

Too cliche?

Morgan said...

No, actually that's really good advice, Roland. It does bother me that he's a bit too familiar with me. I've had Larry's acquaintances make flirty little comments before and it never bothered me or him because I knew they were just bullshitting. I just get the feeling that down deep this guy isn't really that nice and thinks he's all that when in reality he's an overblown creep.

His wife really is nice, and if we went out she'd at least be a good distraction to his company. Especially when I'm feeling her out ;-) I certainly do NOT think she's a swinger, although if she wanted to I couldn't bring her since it would give her a chance to do someone other than PAUL. If they were, and suggested we swap, I'd club Paul like a baby seal since that's the only possible thing I could do with him that would excite me.

You're right that being rude won't help. I think I've just been trying to send Paul the message that I dislike him without having to actually come out and say it. He just either doesn't notice or pretends not to.

And no, I wouldn't really put dynamite "there" you silly man. That was simply an exaggeration. To make a point. But a got quite a giggle out of that whole paragraph you wrote.

Roland said...

Glad I made you chuckle.
I have a picture of you clubbing Paul like a baby seal. :D
That would be something to see.

thimscool said...

First you must determine the why. Then you can decide how to deal with it.

My wife has repeatedly expressed her intense dislike of a certain friend of mine. I don't see much of him, so it isn't much of an issue.

Like you, she can give many examples of irritations, but she can't put her finger on what it is that grates on her nerves.

I just tell her to be glad she's not married to the guy, and to try to keep an open mind.

I can't believe that Paul that bad, since Larry likes him. The ball is in your court.

thimscool said...

First you must determine the why. Then you can decide how to deal with it.

My wife has repeatedly expressed her intense dislike of a certain friend of mine. I don't see much of him, so it isn't much of an issue.

Like you, she can give many examples of irritations, but she can't put her finger on what it is that grates on her nerves.

I just tell her to be glad she's not married to the guy, and to try to keep an open mind.

I can't believe that Paul that bad, since Larry likes him. The ball is in your court.

Morgan said...

Thimscool, Larry's greatest attribute is also his greatest failing. He likes everyone. I've seen him robbed blind and screwed over by people he trusted,despite my suspecting the people in question seemed suspicious.

Larry wants to see the best in people, while I'm admittedly cynical enough for the both of us. The more I hear from male friends who say their wives have expressed similar concern and female friends who feel the same way about some of their spouse's pals, the more I think this comes down to Female Intuition.

I'm a big believer in intuition in general and think that everyone has it, but women are more likely to lend it credence.

I know that when I have had similar sketchy feelings about acquaintances, business contacts or people I have interviewed I'm usually spot on with my suspicions.

I would never try and tell Larry who he can and can't be friends with, but I've made it clear if they freak me out the kids and I are going to keep a mandatory and obvious distance. Past experience as taught me the to trust that still small voice.