Monday, January 15, 2007

A Cat Ordained



I am pleased to announce on this otherwise dreary day that through a higher power known as The Internet, Jingles the Cat is now a certified member of the clergy.

Lest you scoff, please be ascertained that I had valid reasons for
going to the Website of the Universal Life Church and assisting my cat with her ordination. Having a cat that doubles as a minister will make my life a whole lot easier.

For one thing, I can outsource officiating over all those nuptials. I never have liked performing wedding ceremonies and over the past two weeks I've had to perform more than I can count. The fault actually lies with me, for splurging at the fabric store sale on sheer and shimmery fabric for the dress-up box. Somehow, the site of lace and tule triggered a crazed wedding instinct in my 9-year-old daughter, Alex. Each day after school lessons are over she drapes herself in yards of the stuff and drags her 4-year-old brother, Lucas, to the altar.

On Friday, Alex asked me what couples did on their honeymoons. I told her they played Ring-Around-The-Rosy. So after another round of vows in which she and Lucas promised to love, honor and share their toys they retired to the playroom, where Alex was overheard informing him that if she'd better never, ever catch him playing Ring-Around-The-Rosy with any other woman. Or else. Lucas said, "Whatever." Call me cynical, but I sometimes get the feeling those two just aren't ready for marriage. That particular union, for instance, seemed doomed from the beginning.

And I was right. Later that afternoon an evil sorcerer threw Alex in a dungeon and erased all memory of her True Love. Once the enchantment was lifted, she couldn't remember marrying Lucas. That necessitated another wedding ceremony, but not one I was willing to officiate. Hence my decision to ordain the cat. Now, when Alex and Lucas decide to enter into the bonds of holy matrimony they stand in front of the overstuffed chair where Jingles, wearing the little cross I made for her collar, performs the ceremony telepathically.

The other advantage to having an ordained cat? A live-in reverend means we don't have to go to church. We keep late hours on Saturday nights and even if we were churchgoing types the only churches in our neck of the woods are of the Backwards Baptist variety, although come to think of it there really isn't any other kind of Baptist. No, Jingles doesn't actually preach. She prefers to minister by example, and she has been something of an inspiration. We're eating a lot more fish. And taking more naps.

I think Merry the Egregious Farm Cat may be the next of our felines to be ordained. She assures me she'd take her vows seriously. Here she is giving a mouse Last Rites.

I don't think other cat, Piper, is interested. She's a Zen Kitty, and lives in the now and can't be bothered with considering with past sins or future judgement. For Piper, the glory is in the now and there's no higher calling than sitting in the window looking cute. But that's cool; I'm all for embracing religious diversity, be it among humans or cats.

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30 comments:

Erik said...

Not to be bigoted or anything, but Piper looks stoned. Is this the reason he isnt interested or is it that he "worships" nature (certain plants in particular?)

thimscool said...

Hey now, Morg.
MLK was a baptist...

Loved it. Especially my namesake's "whatever".

[Yes. You named him after me before you even knew me! What power I have over your thoughts.]

I have a friend whose cat has a MasterCard, but a cat ordination? First class.

I'll be back tomorrow for more sniping.

Morgan said...

Erik,
Piper is stoned, owing to the abundant supply of organic catnip in the little greenhouse that sits off our bedroom.

Thimscool,
I stand sufficiently chastened. My opinion of Baptists has - I'm afraid - been shaped by the close-minded, eurocentric, fire-and-brimstone, right-wing evangelical varieties that populate our particular portion of the Bible belt. When it comes to outreach and giving, the biggest area predominately African-American church and the very liberal Episcopalean church have it all over the aforementioned Right-Wing Baptist churches.

Ssshhh, please don't tell Larry that I named my son after you. It is a secret we must keep since it is impossible to explain the sway you hold over me from your vantage point halfway across the state. ;-)

I would never give my cats a Mastercard. I can just see the charges now -- boxes of yarn, expensive salmon, rolling papers for the catnip....

Anonymous said...

Delightful! I love the picture of Jingle with the cross. I have to say though that she doesn't look very impressed with her church certificate.
The other pictures are cute, too, although I feel rather sorry for that poor little mouse.
Anyway, thanks for the post. Again you have made my day brighter.
God Bless You,
Margaret

Morgan said...

Margaret,
Very little impresses Jingles, who reserves her excitement for fish or those ocassions when she and Piper see fit to tear-ass around the house for no particular reason. Otherwise she just sits around acting bored.
Sometimes it's rather hurtful. For instance, she fell asleep during my confession before I even got to the best sins.

eaglewood said...

This is one of your funniest posts yet. Goes to show you just what can be found on the net.

Morgan said...

Thanks, Eaglewood!
You're right of course. The Internet is full of goofy stuff. I could probably get Jingles a license to practice medicine if I looked hard enough. Then she'd be Dr. Jingles. :-)

CJ said...

I'm not a cat person but I almost want to pet that gray kitten in the window. Is that picture for real? I don't think I would want to pet the ordained cat. It looks like it would bite. I have no opinion on the mouse killer other than she's performing a valuable service. Mice aint nothin but trouble.

Morgan said...

CJ,
Ironically, Piper is the least pettable of our cats. She will sleep at your feet but if you wake up and look at her she's gone. And forget holding her.
Aloof appearances aside, Jingles is the cuddliest of our three felines. She sleeps on my pillow everynight and always curls up in my lap. Her Evil Demeanor is but a facade; she's as soft on the inside as she is on the outside.

Erik said...

I could probably get Jingles a license to practice medicine if I looked hard enough. Then she'd be Dr. Jingles. :-)

If only she were a he then we could make jokes about her being a mr beau jingles.

Ya know, if you ship your cat off to Trinidad Colorado you might just be able to make the male thing happen...

Morgan said...

OK, Erik. I'm stumped. What would they do to my cat in Trinidad, Colorado? Is it like the Mecca for cats seeking sex change operations?

Erik said...

Trinidad is like sex change capital of the world. Apparently some fairly famous doctors live down there and they make trannies live as women before the operation. So I made the assumption that they might be able to do something for the cat as well.

Erik said...

Also wanted to let you know that I have a new blog.

colorado-pictures.blogspot.com

Morgan said...

Erik,

Jingles isn't particularly feminine. Unlike Piper, who flounces, Jingles is kind of androgynous (which I'm sure I spelled worng.)

I asked her if she wanted a sex change, and she informed me that she didn't need one and if that tuna isn't in her bowl by lunchtime she'll just pull out the Strap-On. Nobody fucks with Jingles.

thimscool said...

firefox 2.0 has a built-in spell checker. And it's free.

Morgan said...

Or I could have looked it up. And had I done so I'd have been surprised to discover I spelled it correctly:

a-n-d-r-o-g-y-n-o-u-s

I probably should switch browsers; I hear a lot of good things about Firefox. But I'm chicken. I'm afraid if I download another browser something dreadful will happen to my 'puter.

thimscool said...

"I'm afraid if I download another browser something dreadful will happen to my 'puter."

That's a good instinct to have about any software, and especially free downloadable software.

However... I put FireFox on servers that handle transactions in excess of $10M per year. Mozilla is a good outfit.

Erik said...

However... I put FireFox on servers that handle transactions in excess of $10M per year. Mozilla is a good outfit.

Notice he didnt say anything about it not destroying the computers...

But seriously, Firefox is THE browser of choice. It runs faster than IE, views darn near everything, doesnt have a million security holes, and is more enviromentally friendly. Okay, so maybe I made that last one up. Get it anyways at www.getfirefox.com

Morgan said...

Will I be able to run my Outlook Express email program with it? Or does Firefox have its own email application?

Erik said...

Firefox has its own email program, tho I have never used it.

thimscool said...

Firefox is a standalone application. The same group of programmers has created email software called Thunderbird, which I have used and enjoy. But there is no need to switch from Outlook Express if that makes you happy.

In other words, it's not related, and you should just install FireFox and try it out. You won't be sorry, and if you are, just uninstall it.

If you're super paranoid, create a system restore point prior to doing the FF install (consult Help and Support in the Start Menu). But I have never heard of FireFox being the source of any system instability.

thimscool said...

Piper reminds me a little of my first cat, Vixen. Such a beauty.

Erik said...

Thimscool is right, it is Thunderbird. I had forgotten about that. I only use web based mail so I hadn't had to think about it.

Hey Thimscool, did you know that backwards your name is pronounced Luke Smith?



J/K, I know you know that. I am just feeling like being stupid at the moment

Morgan said...

Vixen would have been a good name for Piper. I don't know why I named her Piper. I wish I had come up with something more creative, like some co-workers I had who named their cats Cat Bastard and Mini-Meow.
That's kind of cool that Thimscool is Luke Smith backwards. I never caught that. I should have, since my real name is Nagrom. Not really. Morgan is actually my real name, although in real life I'm called by my middle name, Victoria.
Morgan Victoria. How pretentious sounding is that?

Erik said...

Pretentious would be making people call you Queen Victoria.

Morgan said...

Erik. Please. Don't even come in here without genuflecting. ;-)

Morgan said...

And I get plenty of jokes about my name. The worst of course, are the guys who say, "So, Victoria, what's your secret?" and then laugh uproariously as if they said something original.

thimscool said...

Luke Smith is my old name.

Erik said...

"So, Victoria, what's your secret?" and then laugh uproariously as if they said something original.

That is too great! I hadnt even thought about that, but I have only known one Victoria in my life (now you make two) and she went by Vickie anyways.

Morgan said...

My mother would never let anyone call me Vickie. Ever. I grew up telling people my name was Victoria Not Vicki. Save for one impish friend of Larry's who - detecting my irritation at having my name shortened and started calling me Vicki, then Vie and now just "Vuh" - no one shortens my name.

Now, my youngest daughter is Alexandra, but we call her Alex. And while youngest son Lucas is Luke to a lot of people, he's Lucas to me. My oldes daughter, Jessica, is Jess to her friends and my oldest son Wesley is Wes to his. John is John to everyone else, but John-John to me.

Weird, huh?