Lest you scoff, please be ascertained that I had valid reasons for
going to the Website of the Universal Life Church and assisting my cat with her ordination. Having a cat that doubles as a minister will make my life a whole lot easier.
For one thing, I can outsource officiating over all those nuptials. I never have liked performing wedding ceremonies and over the past two weeks I've had to perform more than I can count. The fault actually lies with me, for splurging at the fabric store sale on sheer and shimmery fabric for the dress-up box. Somehow, the site of lace and tule triggered a crazed wedding instinct in my 9-year-old daughter, Alex. Each day after school lessons are over she drapes herself in yards of the stuff and drags her 4-year-old brother, Lucas, to the altar.
On Friday, Alex asked me what couples did on their honeymoons. I told her they played Ring-Around-The-Rosy. So after another round of vows in which she and Lucas promised to love, honor and share their toys they retired to the playroom, where Alex was overheard informing him that if she'd better never, ever catch him playing Ring-Around-The-Rosy with any other woman. Or else. Lucas said, "Whatever." Call me cynical, but I sometimes get the feeling those two just aren't ready for marriage. That particular union, for instance, seemed doomed from the beginning.
And I was right. Later that afternoon an evil sorcerer threw Alex in a dungeon and erased all memory of her True Love. Once the enchantment was lifted, she couldn't remember marrying Lucas. That necessitated another wedding ceremony, but not one I was willing to officiate. Hence my decision to ordain the cat. Now, when Alex and Lucas decide to enter into the bonds of holy matrimony they stand in front of the overstuffed chair where Jingles, wearing the little cross I made for her collar, performs the ceremony telepathically.
The other advantage to having an ordained cat? A live-in reverend means we don't have to go to church. We keep late hours on Saturday nights and even if we were churchgoing types the only churches in our neck of the woods are of the Backwards Baptist variety, although come to think of it there really isn't any other kind of Baptist. No, Jingles doesn't actually preach. She prefers to minister by example, and she has been something of an inspiration. We're eating a lot more fish. And taking more naps.
I don't think other cat, Piper, is interested. She's a Zen Kitty, and lives in the now and can't be bothered with considering with past sins or future judgement. For Piper, the glory is in the now and there's no higher calling than sitting in the window looking cute. But that's cool; I'm all for embracing religious diversity, be it among humans or cats.