Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Blowing Cantore

It may not mean a whole lot to those of you living in land-locked areas, but those of us in coastal regions don't like hurricane season. We don't like having to board of our windows, tie up our lawn mowers and worry how we're going to evacuate the kids and pets in the event of The Big One.

That's why it irritates some of us when - as soon as any significant storm starts heading our way - the Weather Channel people come to town.

They're Storm Sluts, and they get all tingly over the prospect of what A Really Bad Storm may do for their career. Because let's face it. Droughts aren't sexy and in the summer nobody follows drought coverage. Hurricanes, with the looming possibility of death and destruction make for Must See TV.

The Weather Channel's chief Storm Slut is Jim Cantore. He pioneered the art of standing on the beach and braving the gusts as if the hurricane had come in to attack him personally.

Yep, Cantore can say he's been blown by the best of them. In fact, he can't be bothered with little hurricanes anymore. He only shows up now for nothing less than a Category 3 storm, which he and other forecasters now refer to as "Cat" 3's because they're too cool to say the word "category." I'm wondering how long it'll be before they'll just shorten "hurricane" to "cane."

"Looks like this may be a Cat 3 Cane! Thank god I wore waterproof makeup for those tight shots!"

What a bunch of asses.

It's not so much their presence that bothers me. If they want to stand on the beach and make a big deal about their hats getting blown off then that's fine with me. What really bothers me the most about these guys is how they are visibly disappointed when a roaring Category 4 hurricane peters out to non-cataclysmic Category 2 just as it hits the coast. You can see it on their faces. They were so hoping for more. But then again, it's not their property and lives at stake.

Those of us who do live here know the truth. Hurricane season really blows, as opposed to those who see it as an excuse to get face time on TV. Those people just suck.

69 comments:

thimscool said...

ROFL!

I would say you should channel that lingo into your work, but I must admit that it was good for me. ;)

Roland said...

Funny thing is that the guy who preached at my church last month mentioned how some people thrive on the storms of life.

Jesus calmed the storms and usually took flack for it.

People can't make the dough,
if there's no suffering to show.

I mean where would Springer and all the other talk-show people be without troubles.
They love to see the tragedy too much.

Good satire, Morgan.

Morgan said...

Well, you know I have serious issues with someone when I deface their video still with my Photoshop program.

What kills me is how the Weather Channel (and the broadcast media in general) is treating tragedies like some sort of reality TV.

The worst example during Katrina was on CNN when that effeminite twink Anderson Cooper was grilling some politician about lack of aid and has the nerve to say, "We're suffering out here!"

I wanted to reach through the television, grab him by his just-styled hair and say, "You're not suffering, you pussy! You've got an air conditioned trailer 200 yards away!"

I just can't watch...

nicolaepadigone said...

The Weather Channel has learned from the best how to play up a story. They've gotta make money (draw people to watch), and they've learned from the likes of CNN and FoxNews.

It's a shame, because as you said, hurricanes are deadly, and people shouldn't be disappointed when it is smaller than expected.

that said, I must confess that, growing up in California, I loved earthquakes and was disappointed when I only felt a 5 pointer or less. (I experienced the Loma Prieta quake of '89). Does that make me bad? :(

thimscool said...

Yes, Dan. Repent.

Morgan said...

Does that make me bad? :(

Yes. But it's nothing that having to dig your family out from under a collapsed freeway wouldn't fix.

Just kidding. No, I don't think you're bad. I think your reaction is pretty normal, actually. This society has gotten so used to watching tragedies sold as entertainment we've developed a detachment from reality. I think after going through Fran and Floyd and seeing the real human toll you realize that when something like this hits there's a real human toll. It snaps you out the "entertainment" mindset real fast.

nicolaepadigone said...

"This society has gotten so used to watching tragedies sold as entertainment we've developed a detachment from reality."

I think in my case, it's more of being in awe of the power and majesty of Nature. I love a lightning storm (we had one here in Pennsylvania just two weeks ago), but hope that no one gets hurt. Tornadoes are an awesome spectacle. Seeing a satellite image of a hurricane is intimidating. We hope that we, humans, are somehow immune from damage to these spectacles of Nature's power, but we tend to forget that we are not immune.

Morgan said...

"We hope that we, humans, are somehow immune from damage to these spectacles of Nature's power, but we tend to forget that we are not immune."

Not only am I not immune from Nature's powers, I'm not even immune from Nature's wimpiness. It rained remnants of Alberto on us last night so this morning the ponies' paddock was all muddy. When I went in my boots sank down in the mud with such suction that when I went to pull my foot out I lost my balance and fell down. I had to pull my feet out of my boots and jerk the boots out of the mud manually and then trek back inside to shower off.
That put me in a bad mood. So I took it out on Jim Cantore.

dlkjdfsa said...

Awesome post Morgan. I got this weird feeling in my gut when I was headed back to New Orleans during the first storm of the season. God be wi..... I mean Calm Mother Nature be with us!

Morgan said...

Now see, Robert. I've got you watching yourself. ;-)
Dude, what's with the new avatar. You look psycho. Is this some sort of post-Steve therapeutic representation.

Lord Omar said...

I couldn't imagine living landlocked. I love the ocean and living beside it. Except for the Isthmus of Chignecto, Nova Scotia is pretty much an island. And we know hurricanes. Not so devastating as what befalls those in and around the Gulf of Mexico, but since 2003's Hurricane Juan blasted central Halifax and the centre of the Province we are much more aware. We used to go swimming at Lawrencetown Beach down the Eastern Shore a couple of days before any storms would hit as the ocean always knows. Lawrencetown is known for its vicious undertows and many have drowned there. But this Bedouin knows the water just as well as he does the sand. There is NOTHING better then getting slammed around by 10 degree Celsius, North Atlantic waves that were sometimes 7-8 feet high! Nirvana. At least until the Mounties showed up.

Morgan said...

You are brave, Omar. I love the water, but am a bit skittish of the surf. I prefer canoeing the area waterways. But I do know what to do in case of an undertow - swim parallel to shore. It's something I've learned Just In Case.

I would love to visit Nova Scotia, and if I didn't have ties here would move to Canada faster than you could say Kraft Dinner.
It would be a hard sell to get Larry to move, though. He probably wouldn't have much luck with his tropical plants up there.

jcw said...

"But this Bedouin knows the water just as well as he does the sand."

Yes, but do you know the Captain Morgan Special Dark and its many uses, especially in a hurricane?

eaglewood said...

I don't watch TV much anymore, but I do understand the problem with people who chase storms. Living here in Tornado Alley you get a new appreciation for the destructive power of nature. Tornados cannot be prepared for and when they happen they happen quickly. No waiting around for a week to see if it is going to track to your particular state, it is just there and you have minutes do seek shelter and hope it is only an F1 and not an F5. We have our share of thrill seekers who chase these deadly whirlwinds and try to report from as close as they can get. Earlier in life I thought many a time it would be nice to see just one of them make a big mistake and being introduced first hand to the tornado they were reporting on, but I have gotten over it in my older age.

JohnR said...

Morgan, I love you!!!

In a spiritual way of course.

The first day of hurricane season I knew we would be in for major hype until Oct 1. And I knew the WC was coming in their collective pants to have a storm so early.

TV is desenitizing us to this stuff.

I am glad to see I am not the only one who feels that way.

The power of the ocean is impressive isn't it. We went to San Diego 2 yers ago and I was surprised at how small I felt watching the surf pound the shore and the boats off in the distance.

JohnR

JohnR said...

PS: you spelled 'chief', 'cheif'. Fourth paragraph. :>

JohnR (spelling cop)

Morgan said...

"Earlier in life I thought many a time it would be nice to see just one of them make a big mistake and being introduced first hand to the tornado they were reporting on, but I have gotten over it in my older age."

I've never seen a tornado but if I did I'm pretty sure I'd pee on myself. I'm not afraid of snakes but I'm a real girlie-girl when it comes to bad weather. Except for lightning storms. I like lightning.
We had an F-1 blow through a neighboring community a couple of years ago and two people died. Of course, it targeted the poorest shantytown in the region. It was pretty bad and left me wondering what a really bad tornado could do. I don't think I want to know.

Morgan said...

"Morgan, I love you!!!
In a spiritual way of course."

Awww...Jesus and I love you too, JohnR. (Anyone who has seen the movie Orgazmo will recognize that line. ;-)

"And I knew the WC was coming in their collective pants to have a storm so early."

ROFLMAO...That's about the most risque thing I've ever seen you write, JohnR. It seems Cantore and Co. elicit some pretty strong reactions.

I completely agree with your take on it. They're having way too much fun and make the season a lot more stressful in the process.

"PS: you spelled 'chief', 'cheif'. Fourth paragraph. :>"

Thanks, officer. ;-)

Lord Omar said...

Yes, but do you know the Captain Morgan Special Dark and its many uses, especially in a hurricane?

Do tell...if you're a Nova Scotian, then you know that the Captain, is "King".

Beth said...

hurricane season sucks @ss.

I feel your pain.

Morgan said...

You're in Hawaii, Beth. I bet even the hurricanes are beautiful there. *sigh*

thimscool said...

I'd say I'm not the only one that feels the need for a vacation.

Doctor Phull said...

You aren't the only people who get hurricanes.

We get them here in Toronto as well.

Why, we had one, Hazel was her name, not too long ago.

1954 I believe.

Morgan said...

Old John,
Hazel made direct landfall roundabout our neck of the woods before heading up to Canada. My daddy was in the National Guard and still tells stories of what the tidal surge did to the local beaches.
That was one bad mother.
Bless your heart. If you remember Hazel then you really are Old John. ;-)

Roland said...
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Roland said...

I was spelling worse than Morgan.
I couldn't even understand my own comment, so I'll try again.

Minnesota hasn't been hit by a 'cane yet!
That means no Jim Cantore for us!
:p

jcw said...

"Do tell...if you're a Nova Scotian, then you know that the Captain, is "King"."

My family and I took a vacation up to Nova Scotia a couple of years ago. My brother-in-law, who happens to be distantly related to Natalie McMaster of Cape Breton fame, requested I pick up as many bottles of Captain Morgan Special Dark as they would allow back across the border.(I live in New Hampshire)

I asked him what was so special about this Rum and couldn't he just go buy some at the local liquor store. It turns out they don't sell this particular type of Captain Morgan's in the US. They even had it tucked away in the back of the store on Cape Breton I bought it at. Must be some kind of Canadian - Puerto Rican conspiracy.

Excellent Rum. Smooth. Very addicting with Coca Cola (4parts rum, splash of coke). He just finished the last bottle over Christmas. Time for another trip.

Morgan said...

You know, I don't think I've ever had rum.

Roland said...

Rum. It's just like all the other "evil" alcohols. ;)
But, if you add something like coke, then the goodness overcomes the evil and it tastes pretty good, too!

Why is the dark kind so much better?
Different aging process or something?

Woozie said...

Allow me to jump in here, but I don't know. Has anyone tried Jamaican rum? That stuff's good. I had a glass of it about a year ago with some vanilla stuff, my grandmother mixed it up, it was really very good. And I hate alcohol.

Morgan said...

I was spelling worse than Morgan.

Dude...what's that supposed to mean? I misspell "chief" in one post and now I'm illiterate?
*hmph*

eaglewood said...

Don't worry too much Morgan If it weren't for spell checker everyone would think I was some kind of ignorant redneck.

What was I thinking? Some people think it anyway. They would not think that way if they knew I was born in Philly. Then I would be that other evil word “Yankee”.

Lord Omar said...

Being originally from Ontario, I never really acquired a taste for the rum. I like my Rye with water and my Scotch(single malt please) with cubes only. I should point out that the hard liquor only graces my palate once or twice a year now. I prefer a nice Merlot with dinner or a glass of port when reading. When running the show in Liberty City? Herb.

Woozie said...

He's got an infatuation with the herb, don't you omar?

Morgan said...

A good Merlot sounds wonderful. Of course, being a country wench I'm fond of a glass of beer or ale at the end of the day. Not the crappy American beer but a nice import or something from a good microbrewery.
As for the greenery, we have three greenhouses and I've yet to convince my guy to let me grow anything "therapeutic" in there.
Oh well. One of us has to keep me from getting arrested.

Ayman said...

Sex is the meaning of life?

Sweet!

Morgan said...

Yeah, but not with 70 lame virgins. ;-)

Woozie said...

I'm suprised no one was shocked when I, a 15 year old talked about liking Jamaican rum.

eaglewood said...

Woozie,

Until you said something I would say nobody knew you were 15.

So here it goes:

BAD Woosie, BAAADD WOOSIE, don't ever do it again.

Now that the Token Hippie's Token True Cristian has scolded you, you are free to go. :)

Mia said...

Morgan,

Good rant! Thanks for explaining storm chaser idiopathy to me as I've often wondered about the range of intelligence among those 'brave' folks :) An aside- I was reading People mag in the dentist's waiting area and learned that Anderson Cooper is Gloria Vanderbilt's offspring - THAT explained A LOT. I'm surprised that you didn't have a great pun for "Cantore" :)

Lord Omar said...

Until you said something I would say nobody knew you were 15.

In my best Triumph the Insult Dog, voice:

He keed, he keed! He just make a little joke.
Thees leettle sheet is theerty-five if he is a day!

eaglewood said...

"He keed, he keed! He just make a little joke.
Thees leettle sheet is theerty-five if he is a day!"

If he is he is doing it across the board. His profile on blogger states he is fifteen and the style of his blogs are very much like that of a typical teenager.

Lord Omar said...

Um, eaglewood, I keed as well.

Morgan said...

Woosie, that was a great joke...for me to POOP on!

Woozie said...

Triumph fans are we? Whatever happened to Triumph anyway?

Woozie said...

And I was under the impression that the average teenager's weblog was full of annoying pink text, some indecipherable picture or drawing in the background and bad poetry.

Morgan said...

Woozie, there was a Triumph the Insult Dog on just the other night, sort of a "Best Of" retrospective. They replayed his infamous visit to Canada as well as his coverage of the Westminster Dog show. It was just as funny this time around.
My dogs should be so entertaining.

eaglewood said...

"And I was under the impression that the average teenager's weblog was full of annoying pink text, some indecipherable picture or drawing in the background and bad poetry."

That is from the female side of the spectrum.
I was talking more about content though not the way it looks.

I am going to dig myself a deep hole here because it is hard to define typical when people are individuals. I just tend to notice that those blogs I have seen from people from your generation seem to have an infatuation with using certain words.

Doctor Phull said...

I think I was in grade six or seven when we walked home from school during Hurricane Hazel.

Congratulations, Morgan, on winning the Punch-Line contest.

Boethius asks that you shave your legs the night of the "dinner".

Morgan said...

Boethius asks that you shave your legs the night of the "dinner".

I'll see if Omar's cousin has an extra razor. ;-)

thimscool said...

Is Omar's cousin Occam?

Roland said...

No, Luke.
Didn't you click on links in my posts?
Click on Mahmoud
here.
I went and looked at Old John's contest. And I don't want Boethius to eat me, so I don't ever want to win!

Morgan said...

I don't want Boehthius to eat me either! If Old John doesn't start coming up with better prizes I'm not going to play with him anymore.

Doctor Phull said...

Morgan

Pardon my iggorance

But what is that insignia on the front of your garment?

Morgan said...

"But what is that insignia on the front of your garment?"

It's a tree of life. I made the skirt myself. It's embarrassing, but I've got this kick-ass domestic streak I can't shake and sew whenever I get a chance. It started out as a hobby. Now I run a sideline business designing and sewing bohemian-style clothing.

JohnR said...

Turning your hobby into a money maker is embarrassing?

Or is being domestic?

Perhaps you would prefer a nice cubicle in a soulless building working for a large corporation?

JohnR

Morgan said...

"Turning your hobby into a money maker is embarrassing? Or is being domestic? Perhaps you would prefer a nice cubicle in a soulless building working for a large corporation?"

No, I was being facetious. I'm not embarrassed about turning my hobby into a business. I've done that with several; that's how I got started as a writer. I used to write for fun. Then one day I answered an ad to string for a local daily. A couple of years later I got hired. Now I make a decent living writing and editing. I've done the same with my other interests. I took an interest in Pembroke Welsh Corgis and now have a little self-supporting hobby kennel. I got into photography and am working with someone to sell some of my photos locally. Embarrassed, no. And cubicle life doesn't suit me. I'm too unstructured for that. Plus I can't abide having someone telling me what to do.

I guess the slight embarrassment comes from the domestic streak, from having so many people look at me and say, "*YOU* sew??" I tend to be a bit on the adventurous side so I guess people doesn't think it "fits" my personality.

Morgan said...

that should have read I guess people *don't* think it fits my personality.

Editor, edit thyself.

Lord Omar said...

Morgan,
Now that Old John has drawn me to your skirt, I have to ask, how tall are you?

nicolaepadigone said...

hey Morgan, off the topic here but I've posted some pictures of my baby girl (who is now seven weeks old) on my blog: my non-politics blog.

Morgan said...

"Morgan,
Now that Old John has drawn me to your skirt, I have to ask, how tall are you?"

Alas. I'm a smallish person standing at a mere 5'1. I shall be taller in my next life, I think.

Morgan said...

Dan, I rendered my professional opinion of your baby on your blog.
Please rest assured that I'm highly qualified to tell you whether your baby meets Infant Adorability Standards. Yours is in the top 1 percent.

nicolaepadigone said...

haha, thanks Morgan. your comment was much appreciated. she really is lovely isn't she? did you see an earlier blog i had on there about her birth? i had two pictures up, one of her minutes after she was born.

Lord Omar said...

Alas. I'm a smallish person standing at a mere 5'1. I shall be taller in my next life, I think.

Nonsense, Omar has to Harems, one for those 5'5" and over, and his definite favourite tent for those 5'5" and under!

Doctor Phull said...

I see I get the credit for "drawing Omar to Morgan's skirt".

Well wasn't THAT a monumental task!

Doctor Phull said...

I'm not tall.

I used to tell the kids at school that when I started teaching I was six feet tall and every year the babies wore me down a little more.

Morgan said...

"Nonsense, Omar has to Harems, one for those 5'5" and over, and his definite favourite tent for those 5'5" and under!"

Well bless your heart. I like to think what we lack in height we make up for in enthusiasm.

Morgan said...

"I used to tell the kids at school that when I started teaching I was six feet tall and every year the babies wore me down a little more."

My older kids tower over me now. That's probably why. I'm the Incredible Shrinking Woman.

1972 miami dolphins said...
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