“With a few flowers in my garden, half a dozen pictures and some books, I live without envy.”
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Jesus is watching you have sex....
.....so you'd better be doing it the True Christian ™ way.
OK, so I really don't believe that Jesus is watching me have sex, but apparently True Christians ™ believe there's a holy presence in the bedroom with a video camera in one hand and a notepad in the other, gauging every thought and position and recording whether it is Biblically sanctioned.
For some of us, that creates a quandary. After all, what is the Biblically sanctioned way to have sex? I'm not sure I know. Do you? But Gene, who's a True Christian ™ assures us that the Bible holds everything you'd want to know to have great sex.
Here's what she said in our last discussion:
"Who should one take lessons from on how to conduct ones sexual activities; from culture, from publishers who make money from erotica, or from the Bible?"
Now I've read the Bible, and there is nothing in there that I can find which even remotely addresses sexual technique. There's not a word about whether I can go down on my guy, or whether introducing whipped cream, leather or feathers into the marital bed is wrong. It doesn't specifically ban positions. There's nothing in there about lingering between 68 to 70, if you catch my meaning.
It makes no more sense to say we should look to the Bible for how to have sex than it would to say we should look to the Bible for cooking lessons.
After all, there's more than one way to satisfy a man's appetite. If a woman is wrong to glean a sex tip or two from a tale penned by those evil erotica writers, is she equally wrong to wrong to turn to use a recipe penned by some evil cookbook author? Should we shield ourselves from the likes of The Iron Chef? Should we turn away from cooking segments on the Today show? When our man walks in the door should we only greet him with a hot plate of loaves and fishes? The Bible has as many baking instructions as it has sex instructions. What Would Jesus Cook?
Don't get me wrong - my version of the Bible is chock full of sex: there's Tamar, who got raped by her brother. There's that David and Bethsheba adultery thing. There's some incest. And of course there was King Soloman who wrote fine erotica, some of it in praise of his wife's obviously impressive rack.
Here's a nice excerpt from Chapter 7, verses 6 - 9 of Songs of Solomon. It's quite descriptive. Can't you just picture him with her?
How fair and pleasant you are, O loved one, delectable maiden! You are stately as a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its branches. O may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the scent of your breath like apples, and your kisses like the best wine that goes down smoothly, gliding over lips and teeth.
Nice, huh? You can almost feel his attraction to her. But that's the effect of well-written erotica. I know I'm impressed.
But while the Bible has plenty of spice and even some hot erotica, it doesn't specifically address whether we can bring a certain triple speed sex toy with vibrating attachments into the marriage bed, or giggle over the tale of depraved female wantonness - read aloud - before acting it out with gleeful abandon.
It does make me a tad jealous that Gene got the unabridged Bible - the one with the chapter covering what married couples can and can't do in the sack. So, my dears, if one of you has that missing chapter, could you send it to me ASAP? I have a hot date and need the answer before bedtime.