For my money, no one can match the genius of Jack Handy. Here are my choice for his top 10 best:
10. If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
9. Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
8. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
7. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
6. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
5. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
4. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
3. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
2. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
1. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
The Attorney General Jeff Sessions had a rather contentious Senate hearing today. - In case you missed Senator Al Franken rip apart Jeff Sessions lies, here's the clip. pic.twitter.com/jopVVIb6rx — Red T Raccoon (@RedTRaccoon) October 18,...
8 hours ago