Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Deep Thoughts

For my money, no one can match the genius of Jack Handy. Here are my choice for his top 10 best:

10. If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

9. Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

8. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

7. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

6. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

5. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

4. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

3. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

2. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

And finally....

1. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.


Jamie said...

I'm still a big Conan O'Brien fan first, some oldies but goodies:

Earlier this week Michael Jackson was spotted at a costume party wearing a giant Afro wig. Apparently Jackson was thrilled because he won the prize for least convincing black man.

In Washington, D.C. a snowstorm has shut things down and sent workers home early. President Bush then said, "We all need to do what we normally do or otherwise the snowmen have won."

A publishing company announced that it's coming out with a new bible for teenagers. You can tell the bible is for teenagers because at one point, Moses tells the Pharaoh, 'We are so out of here.'

This week in Washington, President Bush attended a concert given by the newly reformed Iraqi Symphony Orchestra. It was a lovely night of classical music until President Bush asked them to play the theme to Bonanza.

It's been reported that the President of South Africa has been taking golf lessons so he can play golf with President Bush. He's also been hitting himself in the head with a brick so he can play scrabble with President Bush.

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan underwent surgery for an enlarged prostate this week. Doctors say the prostate showed moderate growth in the last quarter but not the growth they had predicted.

Morgan said...

Those are great! I love Conan. I still miss Andy Richter as his sidekick, though. Did you ever see the staring contests he and Andy would get into? Those were so damn funny.

Shrubbery said...

Conan's a puss next to David Letterman.

Morgan said...

I'm not a Letterman fan. I like Conan's self-deprecating style. And he's tall. I love tall guys.

Jamie said...

Didn't get to see the staring contests, but 'In the Year 2000,' love them, these two would have to be at the top of the pile:

During a press conference, George W. Bush will admit that he ignored warnings about the possibility of faulty intelligence, warnings that began when he was in the first grade.

Thanks to advances in automation, Nike shoes will be made by robots. Unfortunately, the robots will be made by children in Malaysia.

JohnR said...

Whatever happened to Andy Richter? He was supposed to get his own show but I never saw it. Remember the take off on a Sally Jessy Raphael show and Andy came out in leather shorts and bare midriff!!

Morgan said...

Jamie, I love the "In the Year 2000," too, especially since they continued to do them after 2000 had passed. Those ones you posted were great. I'd missed those.

Then, of course, is my all-time favorite - Triumph the Insult Dog. For my favorite Triumph moments, it's a toss up between when he went to Canada and pissed off the French-speaking Canadians and when he humped the Pomeranian at the Westminster Dog Show.

My favorite Triumph line:

"I think Eminem should relax a little. I mean, my mom's a bitch too, but I don't sing songs about it."

Yes, Conan's a great show...for me to poop on!

digitalcowboy said...

Conan's a great comedy writer and a pathetic performer.

The show is just stupid.

If Dave's still around when Leno retires and turns "The Tonight Show" over to Conan, NBC's late night line up is doomed.

I sure miss Johnny Carson. THAT was a class act. Thank God, Dave's still with us. Craig Ferguson is old school, too.

Jay and Conan are cheap impostors.

Morgan said...

I'm not sure it's fair to compare anyone to Johnny Carson. He was just so funny, with his deadpan humor.

Conan's not the best performer, true, but there's something about his gawky awkwardness that's really appealing to his audience.

I disagree; if he takes over for Leno I think a lot of people will watch - especially the younger people. I don't know how old you are, Cowboy; I'm 40. My son, who's 19, loves Conan. And this is a kid who loves John Steward and Steven Colbert, so that's pretty telling right there.

On the other hand, I have a 53-year old co-worker who quotes Conan like he's God or something.
I guess it comes down to what you like.

I never could watch Letterman. He seems arrogant, somehow, and his little band-member sidekick guy is creepy.

I liked Max Weinberg when he was Conan's sidekick. There was a lot of good jokes about Max's sex life. My favorite was when they got after hours "footage" of Max having sex with a giant cockroach in one of the NBC offices. I'm telling you, it takes genius to write stuff like that. ;-)

The question is, Cowboy, if a giant cockroach faked an orgasm, could you tell?

Taylor said...

I never could watch Letterman. He seems arrogant, somehow, and his little band-member sidekick guy is creepy

Letterman has his moments. I had the same impression of his musician sidekick - kind of a perv aspect about him, but then I heard he was married and not the perv he comes off as. Since then, I've had a different attitude about him. Don't watch Letterman or too much late-night at all really.

Conan cracks me up. He's just a big ole Irish goof ball.

Leno's okay. Nothing special. He got lucky taking over for Johnny - the king of late-night. Smooth, classy and very funny - a rare combination.

Can't say much about the rest, as I've never watched them, but I don't think I like them from the few minutes I did watch.

Morgan said...

I think Paul has a pervish look, too. That's probably what puts me off. He looks like the kind of guy who'd go up to your kid and ask if she'd help look for his lost puppy.

Unfair, I know. It's good to know he's not really as creepy as he looks.

digitalcowboy said...

I'm not vouchin' for Paul Schaeffer. I doubt he's nearly as perverted as he looks, but I see what you mean and I don't know. He's a gifted musician. That much I know.

But you think Dave seems arrogant? Really?

Maybe I can concede that. I've never seen that, but arrogance is the imitation confidence of the insecure.

He sure seems insecure to me. So you may be right. But he's very, very funny, too.