Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Oh yes we can

Over at Vox Popoli, Digital Cowboy maintains that even a really good actress can't effectively fake an orgasm:

A classic crock perpetuated by "When Harry Met Sally" and "Sex in the City" (among many others). When you can fake rapid muscle spasms in both inner thighs simultaneously, get back to me. Maybe some guys are dumb enough to fall for your faking and perhaps some need to. It takes more than heavy breathing and a little moaning to satisfy me that the job is done, Ms. Ryan.

I'm not sure what Digital Cowboy has against Meg Ryan, since she was directing her fake orgasm at Billy Crystal and not at him. But the fact remains that men don't realize that women can fake muscle spasms in not just their thighs, but in other areas when feigning la petit mort.

Vaginal muscles are pretty amazing, considering that women can pop out babies and still be able to stand upright right afterwards without everything falling out. I personally have popped out five; the last one fired like an RPG. Why not six? Because my babies keep getting bigger (my youngest weighed in at nearly nine pounds) and my midwife isn't getting any younger. In case of a failed catch, a ten-pound infant would put a sizeable hole in the the birthing room wall.

But I digress.

Vaginal muscles are resilient, and with enough kegel exercies, can become surprisingly strong. Do enough kegels, ladies, and you can lift weights with that thing if you want to.

And even if you aren't interested in doing puss-ups or whatever such weight-lifting exercises would be called, you can still put some rythmic squeezes on your man that - when combined with a few cries of "Oh God!" "some head thrashing and - if you so choose - thigh spasms will fool him into thinking you've reached the Pinnacle of Pleasure.

Now, if you're with a guy like The Digital Cowboy who - being on the lookout for fakes - obviously aims to please, then you have no need to pretend. But if you find yourself in the randy attentions of a man who only means to pound you like a ten-penny nail, putting the squeeze on him can get him off and - mercifully - off of you.

21 comments:

Mr. Nelson said...

I've always appreciated woman who faked it. I mean when you have to work in the morning, it's so much better to get it over with. I do my part, and I appreciate any woman who lets me go to sleep early.

Jamie said...

"And even if you aren't interested in doing puss-ups"

I'll be passing this one onto my mate Devo D. He'll be laughing for awhile, then he'll be looking to test this form of weight training out, and maybe qualify to become a personal trainer of it.

Morgan said...

Jamie,
You tell Devo I wish him the best but am really wondering how he's going to demonstrate the technique, lacking the necessary equipment.

Mr. Nelson,
Well, there ya' go then. The real deal is nice, but sometimes it's to at least one party's benefit to - as you say - "get it over with." If one has to get up to go to work and the guy keeps going and going and going like the Engergizer Bunny, well...at moments like that, such trickery is excusable, especially when both parties end up getting what they want.

Jamie said...

He'll figure out a way Morgan - he's the Devo. How do male gynos know so much about that area that they can even educate females about the proper care and tending of it? Or do they really just crap on and then high five each other when the chicks leave the room?

Yeah I'm thinking #2 as well.

Morgan said...

"How do male gynos know so much about that area that they can even educate females about the proper care and tending of it?"

Male gynos can have a lot of clinical knowledge, but if you wanted to learn to *really* drive your Ferrari would you go to someone who had done a lot of reading about Ferraris, or someone who owned one and drove it every day?

Billy D said...

The Kegal excercises do magnificent things. Ladies, if you love your man, learn how and practice dilligently.
Mrs. D. and I have a deal made long before marriage - if she ever cannot for real, just tell me. Fortunately, in 19 years, this has only happened maybe five times. (It's always too much wine)

digitalcowboy said...

I'm not sure if I'm insulted or flattered.

digitalcowboy said...

One thing I am quite sure of, though, is that you're full of it if you think you can rapidly twitch both inner thighs at will.

Morgan said...

"The Kegal excercises do magnificent things. Ladies, if you love your man, learn how and practice dilligently."

Psst, hey ladies. Want to make your guy really happy? As him to play Kegel Drill Instructor with you. And when he orders you to "drop and give him 20," do it. ;-)

Morgan said...

"I'm not sure if I'm insulted or flattered."

You should feel nothing but flattered. Women love a guy who seeks to keep them honest, orgasmically speaking.
Keep it up, cowboy. ;-)

Taylor said...

You know, you can get to the point where you do Kegels automatically without even thinking about it. Also, contracting your buns real tight and holding for a minute is great for keeping them round and firm. If do it enough - the body will go into auto-pilot squeezing here, there while your mind is on your work. It's a very handy habit that I've acquired necessitated by the many hours I sit at my PC.

Morgan said...

Taylor, especially when you're on JamieR's blog, huh? ;-P

Taylor said...

Yeah. Hah! I'm just having a teeny bit of fun. This is just a very small example of how God is toying with me these days. He's put DigitalCowboy in my backyard and JamieR on the other side of the world. LOL! You gotta love it.

Morgan said...

*Gasp* Digital Cowby??? The Fake Orgasm Detector?? Girl, if you aren't on that like white on rice I'm going to be mighty disappointed.

Taylor said...

I hope I'm mistaken and you're kidding here. Did you read the petty comments DC made on his own blog concerning Jamie's blog and then on Jamie's own blog last night? Yeah, I'm the bitter and cynical one. Hate pettiness - especially from a man. I expect to look up to a man, not down. And when it happens, derision and contempt quickly replace any expectations.

Taylor said...

Speaking of fake orgasms...ole Meg's got nothin' on Taylor. Flushed face, twitching thighs AND pulsating twat to boot! We're talking Academy Award stuff here, sister. Yeah, sure, FOD, my Argentine arse!

prettylady said...

Shame on you, Morgan. Shame, shame. Teaching girls how to fake it when you should be teaching them how to Train Their Men.

Oh, heck, I laughed anyway.

digitalcowboy said...

Taylor desperately needs a sense of humor.

Morgan said...

Now, now, Pretty Lady. Not all faked orgasms are the work of the devil.

Sometimes, when your into it hot and heavy with your man and the baby starts crying in the next room, faking it can be permission for the man to go ahead and get his. An astute husband will know, of course. The sound of babies crying does not produce real orgasms in women. In such instances, it's not fakery, but sort of a signal, and the good husband will repay her kindness by doubling her pleasure on the next go-round in the sack.

Morgan said...

...pulsating twat

Now there's a name for a girl rock band, The Pulsating Twats. Much more creative than Courtney Love's band, Hole.

Taylor said...

HAHAHA! I was going to be more lady-like and write 'pulsating parts' instead, but that word jumped out at me - twat - heehee. The Pulsating Twats, yes, that does have a better ring to it than Hole. Your mind...ayyy.